Halle 10 months!

Well this girl is now 9 pounds 3 ounces, and 22 inches. Wow, we are really getting up there! Haha, I keep telling my sister she's going to deliver a baby the size of Halle.

Halle has learned how to army crawl! Sort of sit up. She still loves crackers, and likes yogurt. So at least we have found something that works for her.

We checked her heart, and it is actually growing with her!! I was so excited. No surgeries yet. We graduated to seeing the cardiologist to once a year. Her blockage is now 13% just 6 months ago it was 25%. At birth it was a complete blockage! With surgery it should be 0% but they don't really worry about it if its under 20%. So cross your fingers she can defy medical odds again.

On another note, I have read some stories (which I shouldn't do!) on the Internet. That sometimes with all of the heart problems Halle has, which include coarctation of the aorta, bicuspid valve, and aortic stenosis, and finally a small hole in the left chamber. Which all of them can cause different things. We need her to get bigger, because if any of these problems get bad she will need open heart surgery to fix them, but if she is bigger most of the time they can balloon the closer. The bicuspid valve can get infections in them, and she can be fine then she will be very sick. Most likely fighting for her life again. As a mom I can't do that again. And I live in fear everyday. I just can't imagine her not here with us.

Now back to the story I read, there was a little girl, who had aortic stenosis . She actually had it bad enough were she needed a heart transplant when she was an infant. Well she's 4 now. She was on a trip with her family, on a make a wish foundation. She got sick and one thing lead to another, and her poor little body couldn't take anymore. My heart completely goes out to this family, they have already been through so much. I can't help to feel some sort of fear that Halle might have to go through something like this. I pray that she will be able to stay here with us. Being a mom is so hard, and so scary! But it is the most wonderful thing in the world.

Halle 9 months.

I totally forgot to post Halle's 9 month. She is 8 pounds 2 ounces. Still in newborn clothes! This girl is having the hardest time growing. We finally have her eat some things. She loves crackers. Still will not take baby food, gags every time! So frustrating. When all I want is for her to gain weight.

She is still a huge mommas girl, well basically she cries if someone else is holding her. Yes occasionally I want/need a break, but It usually only last for a second. I can't stand to hear her cry. She still does not sleep through the night. She has been getting better about nap time. Well that's about all she has done this month.

D-day aka Friday.

So it was the day we had to go in for are ultrasound. It was a long week, as I tried to prepare myself what I was about to go through. A lady donated one of her beautiful blankets to me. Well actually 2 blankets, one for myself and one to lay with my sweet daughter. I had talked to everyone I needed to talk to, for the delivery if that were to happen.

My palms were sweating waiting in the waiting room. When Bobbie walked out and looked at me and asked are you ready? I replied not really, she replied neither am I. We walked back to the ultrasound room. I took a deep breath in and she layed the Doppler on my belly. There was FLUID!! Not much but it had started to accumulate. I had 3 ounces!!! It is supposed to be in between 8-25 I do believe. My heart started to race. She took a few pictures, Halle's heart was still not functioning like it should. But there was fluid. When the doctor came in he said lets do another ultrasound on Monday and see what it does by then.

On Monday we went back in and there was 6 ounces!! My doctor could hardly believe what was happening, the next few day and weeks we went in 2 times a week. Every time we went in she had started to improve! Her heart started looking better, her swelling went down everywhere but her legs, feet, and hands. Her cystic hygroma was GONE!! We still needed to see the cardiologist, but I wanted to wait till I knew she could live outside of the womb. So we scheduled it when I was 24 weeks.

My miracle was happening. All I wanted was to be able to be her mother for as much time as Heavenly Father allowed me to be. I just want to be able to hold her, feed her, give her a bath. I wanted those intimate moments with her.

The inevitable happened.

It was my husbands birthday. We woke up, and I said to him for your birthday present I won't have Halle today. We had a fun day playing around. We got home late, and got the kids to bed. Brandon and I fell asleep watching something downstairs. I woke up around 1:00am and was walking up to my bedroom, half asleep. When I thought I peed a little, you know walking up stairs can do that to a pregnant lady. So I went to the bathroom changed my clothes and went to sleep.

When I woke up the next morning I remembered what had happened. I thought to myself maybe my water had broken? I put a pad in just incase and went about my day. That night came and I was completely dry. So I knew that I had just peed myself. So I told Brandon what had happened the night before. Then I had to use the restroom. That's when my water broke! It wasn't just a trickle like the night before. Panic set in I was only 19 weeks. I wasn't ready to say goodbye to our sweet girl. My father in law came over to watch Mason and Adalyn, while we went to the hospital.

We went to the desk, and I had to tell them my water had broken. They started to look for my information, when I said I wouldn't be in there, that I was only 19 weeks. I remember their faces dropped. They took us back to a room. The nurse was so nice, as I had to tell her we were kind of expecting this to happen. That my little girl most likely would live. She was positive and said maybe it didn't break.

We had to wait for the results to come back. When they came back positive, my doctor called me. He asked me what I wanted to do?!? I was so not prepared to have my baby girl that night. So I told him I wanted to go home and wait. For either an infection to set in, or my contractions to start. After I hung up. I excused myself to the bathroom, and I bawled!! I still can't believe I had held it in that whole time.

I had a lot of people tell me I had 2 other kids to look out for, that I needed to do what was safe for me. That was to abort! I wasn't listening I just wanted it to happen naturally if that's what it was meant to be.

That night was so hard!! I payed close attention to how I was feeling, I had to take my temp every few hours. I was trying to soak up every minute with my precious unborn daughter. I cried a lot! I never did cry in front of my kids. I would excuse myself and go to the bathroom, or I would wake up in the middle of the night.

The next few days, I called around to try to plan a small funeral. We had to go to the 'high risk' doctors. They kept telling me all of the odds were stacked against me. That if I were anywhere else but Utah. They would be aborting. Nobody gave us any hope!! My doctor was getting very nervous, about me getting an infection. He finally told me, if there was still no fluid by that Friday we would be inducing. My last delivery was awful, had a major complications with several infections. He did not want me to have to go through that again.

Amniocentesis

Last year I had an amnio done, to make sure that my little baby didn't have the deadly chromosome disorder. I was so nervous because 1-400 complications can occur. I have horrible luck with odds, medically speaking.

So we went in and I asked several times what my odds were and they kept saying you'll be fine. So I laid on the table and they got me prepped. I was very nervous! They inserted the needle and it was a pinch, as soon as they poked through my uterus and then Halle went crazy. The doctor just had to wait to get the sample until she settled down. As we waited the needle was in my uterus, and boy was I cramping. I remember the doctor saying if the needle gets her she will be fine. So I think they might of gotten a little nervous.

Finally she after what seemed like 20+ minutes, was really like 2 but when your contracting it makes everything worse. They got the sample, but my fluid had blood in it so they weren't sure if my results would come back as fast as they should. The doctor explained to us the severity of how bad she looked and encouraged us to abort. We has heard this every other day for the last month. So we just dismissed his concerns.

Now we had to wait for the results! That's the hard part. I was still going in to have ultrasounds to make sure my baby girls heartbeat was still there. That was so hard just waiting for her heart to stop. I had even gone as far as to start planning her funeral.

One of the worst days ever!

2011 on August 11. My doctor wanted me to go in and have an ultrasound, because I was bleeding a little more than usual. We already knew that my baby had a cystic hygroma, and that I might miscarry. I went by myself, thinking nothing would be wrong. I had to have my mom leave her work and come watch my kids plus my babysitting kids. Brandon was at work, I told everyone that I was fine to go by myself.

I got there and it wasn't busy so Bobbie got me right back in to the ultrasound room. She put the Doppler on my belly and we both could see my baby wasn't doing well at all. Her poor little body had become septic. There was so much fluid around her heart and lungs making it extremely difficult for her heart to pump and grow. Her cystic hygroma was as big as her tiny head.

I asked Bobbie this is the deadly chromosome thing right? She replied I think so, I'm so sorry. I went back to just admiring this beautiful baby. I asked what gender it was. We weren't going to find out, but since I knew that I had to come up with a name a lot sooner. That I better know. It was a girl!

Bobbie had to go and get the doctor so he could talk to me. My doctor was out for the day, so it was a doctor I had never seen before. He had to give me the news, no one ever wants to hear. He came in the room and immediately said I'm so sorry. He gave me a HUG! That was the moment I broke down. He handed me the tissue box. I tried to stay as calm as I could do I could listen to the words that were coming out of his mouth. He explained why she would be able to make it, he asked if I wanted my husband here there with me. Then he asked if I would like to abort, a lot of women do when they know their babies won't make it. He asked if I would do an amniocentesis. I didn't have any answers. So I left.

I went to my car and bawled like I've never cried before. I tried to settle down as much as I could before I called my husband to tell him the horrible news. He knew something wasn't right when my quivering voice said hello. I had to tell him his baby girl wasn't going to make it. I will never forget our conversation.

My mom had called and all I could say to her was its not good news. I was able to drive myself home. As soon as I got there my mom gave me the biggest hug. I told her, I was composed as much as I could. I was home and didn't want to scare the kids. So when I need to cry I would just go to the bathroom.

I handle situations by talking about them. So in my mind I wanted to tell people close to me, family and close friends. That way when/if they asked about the pregnancy they would know not to. So I called a few people and told them, and I texted a few. It was hard to explain why and answer some questions. I did it. My feelings were all over the place. I didn't want to get attached to to her, but at the same time I wanted to enjoy the moments I had with her living inside of me. She was safe!

It is the most painful feeling when they tell you your child isn't going to make it. I'm one that feels like its so hard to lose a child at any stage but I do think it gets harder. Miscarriages suck! And it plays on your emotions, then there was the stage I was in I knew that she was a girl, she was moving inside of me. Then they are born oh my I couldn't even imagine losing a baby that you've held and kissed and been up all night with. That's what I wanted most. I just wanted to be able to be her mom. Change her bum, feed her, dress her. I wanted to be the one who took care of her.

I went through an extremely hard time. Especially when people would tell me, you'll raise her in heaven, or she's in a better place. I was not in the right mind to be able to think those things. I wanted someone to just say I'm sorry this situation sucks! I'm here for you if you want to talk or a hug. The only person that knew what I was feeling was Brandon. He was amazing!

Halle's 8 months!

I still can't believe she is over half of a year old! She is now 8 pounds 3 ounces. She loves her mommy( I love it)! It's totally my fault she is so spoiled. She rolls all over the place, can grab toys and put them in her mouth. She just barely started grabbing her toes. She is still having a hard time with eating, she is improving! She has an aversion to purée foods. So we are working on it.

We finally blessed Halle! It was the most beautiful blessing I've heard. Brandon did an amazing job. She did good too, she was starving so I was do nervous. Not a peep! It was good to have family around to enjoy

I was to my breaking point the beginning of the month, of per exhaustion. She still has been waking up every 2-3 hours. Definitely my worst sleeper by far! So we decided to put her in her own room. Let me tell you it has been amazing the last few nights. Last night she only woke up at 4:00!!! Amazing I'm a whole new person. Oh and Brandon got up with her then. I had a full nights sleep!

The next few post are going to be the it happened a year ago. I'm going to relive my feelings. My hardest days I had to go through, to be able to feel so incredibly grateful to have Halle in our lives. I know with out a doubt that all of the Prayers that were said on her behalf helped us through everything. I'm going to go into detail everything that happened. It's going to be so surreal for me.

A few days ago on August 5th I announced I was pregnant to extended family and friends. What's funny is my sister Amanda is pregnant and she announced she is pregnant on that same day this year. She is due right around the same time Halle was due. Anyways at this time I was bleeding a little bit. I had a Subchorionic hemorrhage. I've had one with all of my pregnancies so not a big deal for me. Still they were keeping a very close eye on me. Since she already had a cystic hygroma, a big indicator of down syndrome. I had come to terms with the diagnosis, and was looking forward to our lives and our new baby on the way.