Wednesday, March 21, 2012

What if?

My mind keeps going back to the day my water broke the first time. It was late we fell asleep on the couch. I got up and started my way upstairs I started leaking. I just thought oh I peed myself. It was late and I was tired, so I changed my under garments and went back to sleep. The morning came and I thought maybe it was my water. Since I had just had the amnio done. Brandon's dad was down and we went to home show. I leaked a little nothing much I had a pad in. That night I thought well I guess I did just pee myself. I told Brandon about it, and my mom called. As I was talking to her I had a gush, I calmly told her I would call her back, and I ran to the bathroom sure enough my water was broke at 19 weeks. I was terrified I was so not ready to say goodbye. Brandon and I drove to the hospital. I went to the front desk and told them my water broke. They started looking for my name in the files. I had to tell them I wasn't in there since I was only 19 weeks. Everyone's faces dropped. At this time we were told that Halle didn't have a chance at life. She took me back to my room, did the test. Sure enough the water was broken. They are truly so sweet, I did have to recuse myself to the restroom to cry. I hate crying in front of people. They gave me the option to be induced that night or just wait for my body to start labor. Obviously I chose to wait.
Now here is the what if? What if I did chose to be induced? I wouldn't be holding this sweet girl in my arms right now. I would still be grieving the lose of her. I know it's horrible to even think about, because she's here! We went through a long hard road with her but all of it is so worth it. Just hold this sweet girl up to your chest, and you can just feel what a sweet spirit she has. I am so grateful I listened to myself and not what the doctors were telling us. They are right most of the time, but when you feel something so strongly you just got to leap forward and go with it, because it's probably the right thing to do.

Saturday, March 3, 2012

All NICU moms!

* Your NICU kid is 14, and you're still talking about his or her "Adjusted Age".

* Your 'breast friend' is the pump.

* Your addicted to acronyms. *NICU, CPAAP, RSV…*

* You get all weepy when you see a normal, picture perfect delivery on TV.

* You refer to NICU procedures with the skill of a NICU nurse.

* You get a little sad when you pass a hospital.

* You just can't truly enjoy yourself no matter what you're doing because your heart is still in the NICU.

* You can't help but tell your NICU story.

* You realize it's possible to get LESS sleep than moms of full term babies because of all the late night worrying.

* You see a picture of a baby with the NICU elephant nose and go, "Awwww!!"

* You actually have to buy doll clothes just so your NICU baby will have clothes that fit!

* You have a special box of NICU souvenirs you keep meaning to scrapbook.

* You know the name of every baby in the NICU & who their nurse is for that day.

* The different personalities of the nurses at the NICU no longer get under your've learned how to react to each one accordingly.

* You get sentimental & worried when you hear beeping sounds.

* You could check your NICU baby's vital signs faster than any health care professional you've met so far.

* You keep hand sanitizer in every room of your house & you ask people to use it before coming near your NICU baby.

* You still scrub your hands like a surgeon.

* Your only concern every day is when it's time for the "hands on" session with your baby, & you turn into Godzilla when you find out that your baby's hands on procedures were completed before you got there.

* You're an expert on calming your parents down because a NICU nurse couldn't tell them personal information on their own grandbaby. "

* You know that "kangaroo care" isn't a kid's game, in fact-it's your most FAVORITE time of the day, the reason you get out of bed…

* You no longer need an alarm clock to wake you up at midnight every night-that's when you call to check on your NICU baby's weight!

* To everyone else, an ounce is just a measurement, but to you an ounce is more valuable than gold-you praise God for every one your NICU baby gains.

* 'Rooming in' isn't something you do with your friends over the weekend for fun-it's one of the happiest days of your life.

* 1800 is your new favorite number.

* Your heart skips a beat when the nurse puts you on hold before telling you your baby's daily report because you fear that may mean bad news.

*Each time you see an unknown number on your caller ID, you hold your breath praying it's not the NICU.

* The March of Dimes becomes the most important fund raiser to you.

* You get nauseous when you see a black light because it reminds you too much of the bilirubin lights your NICU baby spent the 1st week of her life under.

* You know what Micro-Preemie means & you thank God every day that your NICU baby wasn't one; being a mother to a regular preemie was hard enough.

* Your NICU baby's home coming is THE happiest day of your life *so far*

*The hospital smell that most people hate brings tears to your eyes because it reminds you of your NICU experience.

* You bring your NICU baby home from the hospital with a new found appreciation for her doctors & nurses…God used them to save your baby's life.

I just had to post this.... because this is totally me! Being a preemie parent changes you.... I added a few things.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

We are home!

Ha well I suck at blogging!

Little miss Halle has adjusted to being at home quite well. She is having a hard time gaining weight. It is the most frustrating thing ever! She eats a lot but the problem is she can't keep it down. She is on two medications to help her. The last few days I see a little improvement. She probably only spits up all of her feeding like once a day instead of every feeding. Halle is 3 months old and weighs 4 pounds 9 ounces and 17 inches long. She's not even on the preemie chart yet! I have tried so many bottles to try to get her to eat the fortified stuff she sometimes will take one, but most of the time it's a fight. Most of the time she just spits everything back up anyways. She loves to be cuddled, hasn't slept in her bed at all. Yes I know that's bad she sleeps with us.

Halle's eyes are not fully developed. We have been to the eye doctor twice now and no progress at all. She said if at our next visit they haven't done anything then she will have to send us up to Primary's and that she might even need them lasered! Ugh I so don't want to be at primary's again. I guess it's just a wait and see thing so I guess I shouldn't even stress about it yet.

She is getting so strong. She can lift her head up from side to side. Is trying to roll over, she doesn't like her belly unless she's asleep. You really have to hold her head when you hold her up right, you would think so by just looking at her because she's still pretty small.

Anyways maybe I should go back to when we were still in the NICU. It was a Thursday and they asked me if I would like to board in to see if she could nurse all of her feeds since she didn't want the bottle. I of course said yes! So on Friday we got her echo done and checked her kidney's and got the carseat test done in preparation of getting her home. So I stayed and she did it! I was completely shocked. So Saturday night we roomed in I was on cloud nine. She lost 30 grams but it wasn't that bad since she had only been nursing and not getting any of the fortified stuff, she was on the 30 calorie stuff. On Sunday morning the nurse came in to inform me that she may not be going home due to a head ultrasound that needed to be done before discharge to check her brain bleed. I was crushed, and asked why we didn't do that on Friday also. Then it took forever for the doctors to come and round on us, due to an emergency in the NICU. Finally around 3:00 they came in and the doctor asked 'what do you want to do?' I replied 'you know what I want.' and he said lets get this going them. We could get the head ultrasounds at a year old unless she starts showing signs, that they really don't do anything for a grade 1. I was back on cloud nine! We were going home!! We Can get back to normalcy again. The kids were so excited to have there sister at home.

I'm having a harder time adjusting to three kids than I thought I would. I just can't seem to pull it together, my house is always a mess I just can't stay on top of it. I'm sure it will get better as Halle starts sleeping longer and I won't be a walking zombie. Well I hopefully will be a little better a blogging I'm at least going to shoot for once a month. I think I might can accomplish that goal.