Sunday, August 12, 2012

One of the worst days ever!

2011 on August 11. My doctor wanted me to go in and have an ultrasound, because I was bleeding a little more than usual. We already knew that my baby had a cystic hygroma, and that I might miscarry. I went by myself, thinking nothing would be wrong. I had to have my mom leave her work and come watch my kids plus my babysitting kids. Brandon was at work, I told everyone that I was fine to go by myself.

I got there and it wasn't busy so Bobbie got me right back in to the ultrasound room. She put the Doppler on my belly and we both could see my baby wasn't doing well at all. Her poor little body had become septic. There was so much fluid around her heart and lungs making it extremely difficult for her heart to pump and grow. Her cystic hygroma was as big as her tiny head.

I asked Bobbie this is the deadly chromosome thing right? She replied I think so, I'm so sorry. I went back to just admiring this beautiful baby. I asked what gender it was. We weren't going to find out, but since I knew that I had to come up with a name a lot sooner. That I better know. It was a girl!

Bobbie had to go and get the doctor so he could talk to me. My doctor was out for the day, so it was a doctor I had never seen before. He had to give me the news, no one ever wants to hear. He came in the room and immediately said I'm so sorry. He gave me a HUG! That was the moment I broke down. He handed me the tissue box. I tried to stay as calm as I could do I could listen to the words that were coming out of his mouth. He explained why she would be able to make it, he asked if I wanted my husband here there with me. Then he asked if I would like to abort, a lot of women do when they know their babies won't make it. He asked if I would do an amniocentesis. I didn't have any answers. So I left.

I went to my car and bawled like I've never cried before. I tried to settle down as much as I could before I called my husband to tell him the horrible news. He knew something wasn't right when my quivering voice said hello. I had to tell him his baby girl wasn't going to make it. I will never forget our conversation.

My mom had called and all I could say to her was its not good news. I was able to drive myself home. As soon as I got there my mom gave me the biggest hug. I told her, I was composed as much as I could. I was home and didn't want to scare the kids. So when I need to cry I would just go to the bathroom.

I handle situations by talking about them. So in my mind I wanted to tell people close to me, family and close friends. That way when/if they asked about the pregnancy they would know not to. So I called a few people and told them, and I texted a few. It was hard to explain why and answer some questions. I did it. My feelings were all over the place. I didn't want to get attached to to her, but at the same time I wanted to enjoy the moments I had with her living inside of me. She was safe!

It is the most painful feeling when they tell you your child isn't going to make it. I'm one that feels like its so hard to lose a child at any stage but I do think it gets harder. Miscarriages suck! And it plays on your emotions, then there was the stage I was in I knew that she was a girl, she was moving inside of me. Then they are born oh my I couldn't even imagine losing a baby that you've held and kissed and been up all night with. That's what I wanted most. I just wanted to be able to be her mom. Change her bum, feed her, dress her. I wanted to be the one who took care of her.

I went through an extremely hard time. Especially when people would tell me, you'll raise her in heaven, or she's in a better place. I was not in the right mind to be able to think those things. I wanted someone to just say I'm sorry this situation sucks! I'm here for you if you want to talk or a hug. The only person that knew what I was feeling was Brandon. He was amazing!

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Halle's 8 months!

I still can't believe she is over half of a year old! She is now 8 pounds 3 ounces. She loves her mommy( I love it)! It's totally my fault she is so spoiled. She rolls all over the place, can grab toys and put them in her mouth. She just barely started grabbing her toes. She is still having a hard time with eating, she is improving! She has an aversion to purée foods. So we are working on it.

We finally blessed Halle! It was the most beautiful blessing I've heard. Brandon did an amazing job. She did good too, she was starving so I was do nervous. Not a peep! It was good to have family around to enjoy

I was to my breaking point the beginning of the month, of per exhaustion. She still has been waking up every 2-3 hours. Definitely my worst sleeper by far! So we decided to put her in her own room. Let me tell you it has been amazing the last few nights. Last night she only woke up at 4:00!!! Amazing I'm a whole new person. Oh and Brandon got up with her then. I had a full nights sleep!

The next few post are going to be the it happened a year ago. I'm going to relive my feelings. My hardest days I had to go through, to be able to feel so incredibly grateful to have Halle in our lives. I know with out a doubt that all of the Prayers that were said on her behalf helped us through everything. I'm going to go into detail everything that happened. It's going to be so surreal for me.

A few days ago on August 5th I announced I was pregnant to extended family and friends. What's funny is my sister Amanda is pregnant and she announced she is pregnant on that same day this year. She is due right around the same time Halle was due. Anyways at this time I was bleeding a little bit. I had a Subchorionic hemorrhage. I've had one with all of my pregnancies so not a big deal for me. Still they were keeping a very close eye on me. Since she already had a cystic hygroma, a big indicator of down syndrome. I had come to terms with the diagnosis, and was looking forward to our lives and our new baby on the way.