One of the worst days ever!

2011 on August 11. My doctor wanted me to go in and have an ultrasound, because I was bleeding a little more than usual. We already knew that my baby had a cystic hygroma, and that I might miscarry. I went by myself, thinking nothing would be wrong. I had to have my mom leave her work and come watch my kids plus my babysitting kids. Brandon was at work, I told everyone that I was fine to go by myself.

I got there and it wasn't busy so Bobbie got me right back in to the ultrasound room. She put the Doppler on my belly and we both could see my baby wasn't doing well at all. Her poor little body had become septic. There was so much fluid around her heart and lungs making it extremely difficult for her heart to pump and grow. Her cystic hygroma was as big as her tiny head.

I asked Bobbie this is the deadly chromosome thing right? She replied I think so, I'm so sorry. I went back to just admiring this beautiful baby. I asked what gender it was. We weren't going to find out, but since I knew that I had to come up with a name a lot sooner. That I better know. It was a girl!

Bobbie had to go and get the doctor so he could talk to me. My doctor was out for the day, so it was a doctor I had never seen before. He had to give me the news, no one ever wants to hear. He came in the room and immediately said I'm so sorry. He gave me a HUG! That was the moment I broke down. He handed me the tissue box. I tried to stay as calm as I could do I could listen to the words that were coming out of his mouth. He explained why she would be able to make it, he asked if I wanted my husband here there with me. Then he asked if I would like to abort, a lot of women do when they know their babies won't make it. He asked if I would do an amniocentesis. I didn't have any answers. So I left.

I went to my car and bawled like I've never cried before. I tried to settle down as much as I could before I called my husband to tell him the horrible news. He knew something wasn't right when my quivering voice said hello. I had to tell him his baby girl wasn't going to make it. I will never forget our conversation.

My mom had called and all I could say to her was its not good news. I was able to drive myself home. As soon as I got there my mom gave me the biggest hug. I told her, I was composed as much as I could. I was home and didn't want to scare the kids. So when I need to cry I would just go to the bathroom.

I handle situations by talking about them. So in my mind I wanted to tell people close to me, family and close friends. That way when/if they asked about the pregnancy they would know not to. So I called a few people and told them, and I texted a few. It was hard to explain why and answer some questions. I did it. My feelings were all over the place. I didn't want to get attached to to her, but at the same time I wanted to enjoy the moments I had with her living inside of me. She was safe!

It is the most painful feeling when they tell you your child isn't going to make it. I'm one that feels like its so hard to lose a child at any stage but I do think it gets harder. Miscarriages suck! And it plays on your emotions, then there was the stage I was in I knew that she was a girl, she was moving inside of me. Then they are born oh my I couldn't even imagine losing a baby that you've held and kissed and been up all night with. That's what I wanted most. I just wanted to be able to be her mom. Change her bum, feed her, dress her. I wanted to be the one who took care of her.

I went through an extremely hard time. Especially when people would tell me, you'll raise her in heaven, or she's in a better place. I was not in the right mind to be able to think those things. I wanted someone to just say I'm sorry this situation sucks! I'm here for you if you want to talk or a hug. The only person that knew what I was feeling was Brandon. He was amazing!