One year old!

My baby is One! I think with every child the years just go by faster and faster. Halle is doing quite well. She weighs 11 lbs 4 ounces and is 23 inches. She crawls every where, and has started pulling up on things. She has 2 teeth, she wears size 0-3 months. She is eating much better, so hopefully we can start gaining more weight.

We had a fun itty bitty party for Halle. She absolutely lived her cake. She did get a little over whelmed by all the people there. She clung onto me. I mean she is always a huge mommas girl, but she would just burry her head into my chest. So she doesn't like crowds of people.

We are so happy she is doing so well, the doctors told us that she should of already had another heart surgery by now. Her heart is looking fabulous! Such a relief. We have a lot of doctor appointments coming the next few months with her. Head ultrasound, she had a brain bleed. Endocrinologist, since she doesn't make hormones we have to determine if she should start growth hormones yet. We have to check her eyes again, bummer! We are starting her Synagis shot (shot for RSV) so we are busy the next little bit. Oh and we are seeing if she qualifies for physical therapy here in Vegas. She still isn't sitting. The doctor says she's about a 3 month old for size and is acting more like a 9 month old.

Halle 11 months!

I can't believe in just 2 weeks my tiny baby will be ONE!!

Miss Halle now weighs 10 lbs 4 ounces, and is 23 inches. She crawls anywhere she wants to go. She gives high fives, claps, gives kisses. She is a happy baby now. Still doesn't sleep through the night, up at least 2 times. She is eating better, so hopefully we can gain 2 lbs this month.


I'm so happy she's doing as well as she is doing. But I don't want my baby to grow up!! It's going by way to fast. Halle is a huge mommies girl, like doesn't like going to anyone! So I'm taking full advantage of it, since I know it won't last forever.

I'm in birthday planning mode! I couldn't decided if I want a huge celebration, since so many people prayed on her behalf. I have no doubt every prayer was heard, I don't know how I got so lucky to be her mother.

Halloween was fun I made their incredibles costumes. Since they are my incredible children! We all had a lot of fun.

Halle 10 months!

Well this girl is now 9 pounds 3 ounces, and 22 inches. Wow, we are really getting up there! Haha, I keep telling my sister she's going to deliver a baby the size of Halle.

Halle has learned how to army crawl! Sort of sit up. She still loves crackers, and likes yogurt. So at least we have found something that works for her.

We checked her heart, and it is actually growing with her!! I was so excited. No surgeries yet. We graduated to seeing the cardiologist to once a year. Her blockage is now 13% just 6 months ago it was 25%. At birth it was a complete blockage! With surgery it should be 0% but they don't really worry about it if its under 20%. So cross your fingers she can defy medical odds again.

On another note, I have read some stories (which I shouldn't do!) on the Internet. That sometimes with all of the heart problems Halle has, which include coarctation of the aorta, bicuspid valve, and aortic stenosis, and finally a small hole in the left chamber. Which all of them can cause different things. We need her to get bigger, because if any of these problems get bad she will need open heart surgery to fix them, but if she is bigger most of the time they can balloon the closer. The bicuspid valve can get infections in them, and she can be fine then she will be very sick. Most likely fighting for her life again. As a mom I can't do that again. And I live in fear everyday. I just can't imagine her not here with us.

Now back to the story I read, there was a little girl, who had aortic stenosis . She actually had it bad enough were she needed a heart transplant when she was an infant. Well she's 4 now. She was on a trip with her family, on a make a wish foundation. She got sick and one thing lead to another, and her poor little body couldn't take anymore. My heart completely goes out to this family, they have already been through so much. I can't help to feel some sort of fear that Halle might have to go through something like this. I pray that she will be able to stay here with us. Being a mom is so hard, and so scary! But it is the most wonderful thing in the world.

Halle 9 months.

I totally forgot to post Halle's 9 month. She is 8 pounds 2 ounces. Still in newborn clothes! This girl is having the hardest time growing. We finally have her eat some things. She loves crackers. Still will not take baby food, gags every time! So frustrating. When all I want is for her to gain weight.

She is still a huge mommas girl, well basically she cries if someone else is holding her. Yes occasionally I want/need a break, but It usually only last for a second. I can't stand to hear her cry. She still does not sleep through the night. She has been getting better about nap time. Well that's about all she has done this month.

D-day aka Friday.

So it was the day we had to go in for are ultrasound. It was a long week, as I tried to prepare myself what I was about to go through. A lady donated one of her beautiful blankets to me. Well actually 2 blankets, one for myself and one to lay with my sweet daughter. I had talked to everyone I needed to talk to, for the delivery if that were to happen.

My palms were sweating waiting in the waiting room. When Bobbie walked out and looked at me and asked are you ready? I replied not really, she replied neither am I. We walked back to the ultrasound room. I took a deep breath in and she layed the Doppler on my belly. There was FLUID!! Not much but it had started to accumulate. I had 3 ounces!!! It is supposed to be in between 8-25 I do believe. My heart started to race. She took a few pictures, Halle's heart was still not functioning like it should. But there was fluid. When the doctor came in he said lets do another ultrasound on Monday and see what it does by then.

On Monday we went back in and there was 6 ounces!! My doctor could hardly believe what was happening, the next few day and weeks we went in 2 times a week. Every time we went in she had started to improve! Her heart started looking better, her swelling went down everywhere but her legs, feet, and hands. Her cystic hygroma was GONE!! We still needed to see the cardiologist, but I wanted to wait till I knew she could live outside of the womb. So we scheduled it when I was 24 weeks.

My miracle was happening. All I wanted was to be able to be her mother for as much time as Heavenly Father allowed me to be. I just want to be able to hold her, feed her, give her a bath. I wanted those intimate moments with her.

The inevitable happened.

It was my husbands birthday. We woke up, and I said to him for your birthday present I won't have Halle today. We had a fun day playing around. We got home late, and got the kids to bed. Brandon and I fell asleep watching something downstairs. I woke up around 1:00am and was walking up to my bedroom, half asleep. When I thought I peed a little, you know walking up stairs can do that to a pregnant lady. So I went to the bathroom changed my clothes and went to sleep.

When I woke up the next morning I remembered what had happened. I thought to myself maybe my water had broken? I put a pad in just incase and went about my day. That night came and I was completely dry. So I knew that I had just peed myself. So I told Brandon what had happened the night before. Then I had to use the restroom. That's when my water broke! It wasn't just a trickle like the night before. Panic set in I was only 19 weeks. I wasn't ready to say goodbye to our sweet girl. My father in law came over to watch Mason and Adalyn, while we went to the hospital.

We went to the desk, and I had to tell them my water had broken. They started to look for my information, when I said I wouldn't be in there, that I was only 19 weeks. I remember their faces dropped. They took us back to a room. The nurse was so nice, as I had to tell her we were kind of expecting this to happen. That my little girl most likely would live. She was positive and said maybe it didn't break.

We had to wait for the results to come back. When they came back positive, my doctor called me. He asked me what I wanted to do?!? I was so not prepared to have my baby girl that night. So I told him I wanted to go home and wait. For either an infection to set in, or my contractions to start. After I hung up. I excused myself to the bathroom, and I bawled!! I still can't believe I had held it in that whole time.

I had a lot of people tell me I had 2 other kids to look out for, that I needed to do what was safe for me. That was to abort! I wasn't listening I just wanted it to happen naturally if that's what it was meant to be.

That night was so hard!! I payed close attention to how I was feeling, I had to take my temp every few hours. I was trying to soak up every minute with my precious unborn daughter. I cried a lot! I never did cry in front of my kids. I would excuse myself and go to the bathroom, or I would wake up in the middle of the night.

The next few days, I called around to try to plan a small funeral. We had to go to the 'high risk' doctors. They kept telling me all of the odds were stacked against me. That if I were anywhere else but Utah. They would be aborting. Nobody gave us any hope!! My doctor was getting very nervous, about me getting an infection. He finally told me, if there was still no fluid by that Friday we would be inducing. My last delivery was awful, had a major complications with several infections. He did not want me to have to go through that again.

Amniocentesis

Last year I had an amnio done, to make sure that my little baby didn't have the deadly chromosome disorder. I was so nervous because 1-400 complications can occur. I have horrible luck with odds, medically speaking.

So we went in and I asked several times what my odds were and they kept saying you'll be fine. So I laid on the table and they got me prepped. I was very nervous! They inserted the needle and it was a pinch, as soon as they poked through my uterus and then Halle went crazy. The doctor just had to wait to get the sample until she settled down. As we waited the needle was in my uterus, and boy was I cramping. I remember the doctor saying if the needle gets her she will be fine. So I think they might of gotten a little nervous.

Finally she after what seemed like 20+ minutes, was really like 2 but when your contracting it makes everything worse. They got the sample, but my fluid had blood in it so they weren't sure if my results would come back as fast as they should. The doctor explained to us the severity of how bad she looked and encouraged us to abort. We has heard this every other day for the last month. So we just dismissed his concerns.

Now we had to wait for the results! That's the hard part. I was still going in to have ultrasounds to make sure my baby girls heartbeat was still there. That was so hard just waiting for her heart to stop. I had even gone as far as to start planning her funeral.

One of the worst days ever!

2011 on August 11. My doctor wanted me to go in and have an ultrasound, because I was bleeding a little more than usual. We already knew that my baby had a cystic hygroma, and that I might miscarry. I went by myself, thinking nothing would be wrong. I had to have my mom leave her work and come watch my kids plus my babysitting kids. Brandon was at work, I told everyone that I was fine to go by myself.

I got there and it wasn't busy so Bobbie got me right back in to the ultrasound room. She put the Doppler on my belly and we both could see my baby wasn't doing well at all. Her poor little body had become septic. There was so much fluid around her heart and lungs making it extremely difficult for her heart to pump and grow. Her cystic hygroma was as big as her tiny head.

I asked Bobbie this is the deadly chromosome thing right? She replied I think so, I'm so sorry. I went back to just admiring this beautiful baby. I asked what gender it was. We weren't going to find out, but since I knew that I had to come up with a name a lot sooner. That I better know. It was a girl!

Bobbie had to go and get the doctor so he could talk to me. My doctor was out for the day, so it was a doctor I had never seen before. He had to give me the news, no one ever wants to hear. He came in the room and immediately said I'm so sorry. He gave me a HUG! That was the moment I broke down. He handed me the tissue box. I tried to stay as calm as I could do I could listen to the words that were coming out of his mouth. He explained why she would be able to make it, he asked if I wanted my husband here there with me. Then he asked if I would like to abort, a lot of women do when they know their babies won't make it. He asked if I would do an amniocentesis. I didn't have any answers. So I left.

I went to my car and bawled like I've never cried before. I tried to settle down as much as I could before I called my husband to tell him the horrible news. He knew something wasn't right when my quivering voice said hello. I had to tell him his baby girl wasn't going to make it. I will never forget our conversation.

My mom had called and all I could say to her was its not good news. I was able to drive myself home. As soon as I got there my mom gave me the biggest hug. I told her, I was composed as much as I could. I was home and didn't want to scare the kids. So when I need to cry I would just go to the bathroom.

I handle situations by talking about them. So in my mind I wanted to tell people close to me, family and close friends. That way when/if they asked about the pregnancy they would know not to. So I called a few people and told them, and I texted a few. It was hard to explain why and answer some questions. I did it. My feelings were all over the place. I didn't want to get attached to to her, but at the same time I wanted to enjoy the moments I had with her living inside of me. She was safe!

It is the most painful feeling when they tell you your child isn't going to make it. I'm one that feels like its so hard to lose a child at any stage but I do think it gets harder. Miscarriages suck! And it plays on your emotions, then there was the stage I was in I knew that she was a girl, she was moving inside of me. Then they are born oh my I couldn't even imagine losing a baby that you've held and kissed and been up all night with. That's what I wanted most. I just wanted to be able to be her mom. Change her bum, feed her, dress her. I wanted to be the one who took care of her.

I went through an extremely hard time. Especially when people would tell me, you'll raise her in heaven, or she's in a better place. I was not in the right mind to be able to think those things. I wanted someone to just say I'm sorry this situation sucks! I'm here for you if you want to talk or a hug. The only person that knew what I was feeling was Brandon. He was amazing!

Halle's 8 months!

I still can't believe she is over half of a year old! She is now 8 pounds 3 ounces. She loves her mommy( I love it)! It's totally my fault she is so spoiled. She rolls all over the place, can grab toys and put them in her mouth. She just barely started grabbing her toes. She is still having a hard time with eating, she is improving! She has an aversion to purée foods. So we are working on it.

We finally blessed Halle! It was the most beautiful blessing I've heard. Brandon did an amazing job. She did good too, she was starving so I was do nervous. Not a peep! It was good to have family around to enjoy

I was to my breaking point the beginning of the month, of per exhaustion. She still has been waking up every 2-3 hours. Definitely my worst sleeper by far! So we decided to put her in her own room. Let me tell you it has been amazing the last few nights. Last night she only woke up at 4:00!!! Amazing I'm a whole new person. Oh and Brandon got up with her then. I had a full nights sleep!

The next few post are going to be the it happened a year ago. I'm going to relive my feelings. My hardest days I had to go through, to be able to feel so incredibly grateful to have Halle in our lives. I know with out a doubt that all of the Prayers that were said on her behalf helped us through everything. I'm going to go into detail everything that happened. It's going to be so surreal for me.

A few days ago on August 5th I announced I was pregnant to extended family and friends. What's funny is my sister Amanda is pregnant and she announced she is pregnant on that same day this year. She is due right around the same time Halle was due. Anyways at this time I was bleeding a little bit. I had a Subchorionic hemorrhage. I've had one with all of my pregnancies so not a big deal for me. Still they were keeping a very close eye on me. Since she already had a cystic hygroma, a big indicator of down syndrome. I had come to terms with the diagnosis, and was looking forward to our lives and our new baby on the way.

7 months!

I can't believe this little girl is getting so old! Since she most likely my last I'm trying to savor up every moment with her. I want time to hold still for at least a few months.

Halle now rolls over both ways! I can't believe her tiny body can do that. She smiles a lot, I've got her to laugh a couple of times, and she loves to talk. We are working on tummy time more, she just rolls over so this one is hard. She is sleeping so much better, knock on wood. She is the happiest in the mornings. She loves to play with her Gymboree thing, and hair she loves hair, I give her a Barbie and she goes crazy. She absolutely loves her brother Mason and she tries and gets anything in her sight, including my phone right this second.

She is so fun, even though she is the hardest baby I've had. I guess she deserves to be a bit spoiled for everything she went through to get here. We are working very hard on getting her to sleep more so I don't have to be a zombie everyday. It's going pretty well too. So I'm very excited about that!

I just can't believe this year is going so fast! I'd like to say Halle is my last, after everything I have to go through. It's so incredibly hard on my body, and on Brandon having to pick up all of the pieces. I really want to adopt, I think it will be a great way to show Halle that it can be a wonderful experience. Since she's unable to have children. I still have a lot of time to think of what I want to do. Time just goes to fast not to think of what life holds for us in the future.

We have really big news, but I'm not allowed to share yet. I'm excited about it, and I think it well all work out for our family.

Halle 6 months.

I can't believe it's been 6 months since I delivered this beautiful little girl. I don't think I will ever forget that day, the feelings I was having. We were unsure if she would even be able to survive the labor. She surprised me and came out crying. I had been preparing myself that she wouldn't make it to protect my heart.

She is amazing I still look at her in awe! I get teary eyed a lot still, I cant believe she's here with me. All of my dreams of what I wanted to do with her are coming true! It's an amazing feeling. On the other side of that feeling, she is the whiniest baby ever! I think Heavenly Father knew I need to be so grateful for her to be able to live with us, just so I could deal with how fussy she is! The last few days have been the hardest, with no sleep and her just fussing all day. Took her to the doctor and she's not sick. I'm losing it over here! The sad thing is all she has to do is smile at me, and it gets me through the next few hours.

Well she is now 7 lbs 5 ounces and is 21 inches. She just looks huge to me now, but I still get stopped constantly asking how old my "newborn" is. She rolls from her belly to her back, she has been reaching for toys. I think her eyes are doing fabulous, but we go in again to check her eyes in June. She smiles at everything. She only laughs in her sleep. She has lost her hair. I was really hoping she would keep some. We have to in for our first Endocrinologist appointment in June also, I'm curious as to when we will have to start her growth hormones.. She is still extremely spoiled! She sleeps okay, she has 5 really good nights only waking up once then the other nights I swear she's up every hour.

Mason and Adalyn are still very good with her. Mason had his kinder garden checkup it is blowing my mind that he will be old enough to go to school. Adalyn will be attending preschool they are just getting to old!

Mason is such a good kid most of the time, he has entered the whiney stag. It is driving me crazy, I do know it will end. He is very excited for school. He got his shots the other day and was so brave only cried for a minute. Way different from the last time. I had to carry him out still screaming and kicking his legs the worst ever!! He is learning stuff everyday, he is really good with numbers and pretty good with his letters. We do have to work on the letters this summer, like the sounds he gets confused. He absolutely loves transformers, power rangers, oh and swimming.

Adalyn is still so stubborn. She is the funniest girl I know. She tests her boundaries every hour it seems. She can be sweet and just wraps her arms around my legs and tells me she loves me out of nowhere. It's my favorite.

Life

So you know the feeling when everything hits you at once? That's been me everyday for the last week or so.
Let's talk money first! I hate money or lack there of right now. Bills are a rolling in now. My savings account is gone! That is so stressful when you don't have a back-up if something else where to happen. we are back in credit card debt not that much but still enough to drive me crazy! I lay in bed staring at the ceiling thinking of ways to pay bills of faster. Some lady did tell me about financial assistance, so we applied and already I'm seeing light at the end of this debt tunnel we are in. I know we could be in worse shape. So I'm trying really hard not to complain because Halle is so worth all of it. We are so incredibly lucky to have her in our family. So let the bills come in I guess we will become debt free again one day. Hopefully sooner than later.

Mason is about to graduate preschool! When did my little boy get so big? I am seriously not ready for school. He is so sensitive. ( I do baby my boy) I just don't want anyone to be mean to him. I'm scared! I get tears in my eyes just thinking about it. I'm not ready for him to grow up, I know they all do. I'm excited for him to learn new things and get new friends. I just don't want the day to come where he won't lay by me and cuddle. I get annoyed that I can never keep my house clean, but I love it at the same time. I love playing dress up with him, and pretending we are in a snowball fight getting in our igloos . I just love his imagination! I don't want that to go away anytime soon. He is my sweet little boy with occasional attitude

My sweet Adalyn I think has bio polar. She can be the sweetest thing ever, example. We were on the cruise and Brandon ordered room service and the guy came Adalyn told him wait You need money. and the guy laughed and Brandon signed his paper. She dug in her purse and found her dollar and the guy was already walking out she ran and gave that dollar to him with the biggest smile on her face. (I love these moments) on the other hand she has the worst tantrums ever!!! If she doesn't get what she wants we all better watch our backs. She back talks like nobodies business. Let's just say if a complete stranger talked to me the way she does I would punch them. She doesn't get away with it either I mean she goes to time out. It's just not working so any suggestions? I do love her imagination as well we play barbies and dolls while Mason is at school so it's just us girls, and I love it! So many memories of when I used to do the same. She tries to comfort Halle when she's crying. Most of the time she gives up and finally yells just stop crying! Ha she needs to learn patience a I put her in preschool next year and I hope she is good for her teacher cause oh boy can she be stubborn. I think she will absolutely love it. She is very independent.


My sweet baby Halle, she is usually happy as long as she is being held. She doesn't sleep very well. She does laugh a lot in her sleep, wakes her up everytime. Ha I do like to think she dreams very happy dreams! Maybe her life is just going to be so much fun? I sure hope so she deserves it! She still amazes me at everything we've been through with her that she is laying in my arms right now! I still remember laying in bed after they told me she wasn't going to live, crying no bawling at night in the middle of the day. It's so weird that I grieved this sweet girl that's here with me! Somedays actually most days I think I'm in a dream. After being told repeatedly that your baby isn't going to make it, its hard to comprehend that everything is perfect now. Well as perfect as it can get! I have my miracle.

I thank Heavenly Father everyday for giving me the opportunity to raise these sweet children. I'm so incredibly lucky. That's what I have to remember how lucky I am. I get to play and make memories with my 3 incredibly smart, funny, stubborn, occasionally mean, beautiful kids. It's amazing being a mother, and I pray daily that everyone gets to experience this feeling. I pray that my sweet Halle will be able to adopt her miracles one day and get to experience this. I'm amazed at what we woman go through to have a little piece of heaven with us.

Halle 5 months!

I can't believe my baby is 5 months already! Time just is going by way too quickly.
She is smiling
Is finally in newborn clothes
Weighs 6 pounds 6 ounces
Loves to be held
Loves me!
Doesn't sleep at night!
Is bringing her hands together
Takes 1 bottle a day (most days)
Her heart is staying stable
Here eyes are still not developed, she goes cross eyed a lot so she will need a surgery to fix that around 12-15 months.
Are medical bills are outstanding, she has reached the one million dollar mark. Still has quite a few more things to do.
Mason and Adalyn still adore Halle.


She is a good baby as long as I hold her. Put her down or let someone else hold her she cries and wiggles. I need to put her on a sleeping schedule. I'm so completely tired, I feel guilty I'm not able to play with Mason and Adalyn as much because Halle still is keeping me up all night. Time is going so fast I don't want to miss anything with any of my kids.

What if?

My mind keeps going back to the day my water broke the first time. It was late we fell asleep on the couch. I got up and started my way upstairs I started leaking. I just thought oh I peed myself. It was late and I was tired, so I changed my under garments and went back to sleep. The morning came and I thought maybe it was my water. Since I had just had the amnio done. Brandon's dad was down and we went to home show. I leaked a little nothing much I had a pad in. That night I thought well I guess I did just pee myself. I told Brandon about it, and my mom called. As I was talking to her I had a gush, I calmly told her I would call her back, and I ran to the bathroom sure enough my water was broke at 19 weeks. I was terrified I was so not ready to say goodbye. Brandon and I drove to the hospital. I went to the front desk and told them my water broke. They started looking for my name in the files. I had to tell them I wasn't in there since I was only 19 weeks. Everyone's faces dropped. At this time we were told that Halle didn't have a chance at life. She took me back to my room, did the test. Sure enough the water was broken. They are truly so sweet, I did have to recuse myself to the restroom to cry. I hate crying in front of people. They gave me the option to be induced that night or just wait for my body to start labor. Obviously I chose to wait.
Now here is the what if? What if I did chose to be induced? I wouldn't be holding this sweet girl in my arms right now. I would still be grieving the lose of her. I know it's horrible to even think about, because she's here! We went through a long hard road with her but all of it is so worth it. Just hold this sweet girl up to your chest, and you can just feel what a sweet spirit she has. I am so grateful I listened to myself and not what the doctors were telling us. They are right most of the time, but when you feel something so strongly you just got to leap forward and go with it, because it's probably the right thing to do.

All NICU moms!

* Your NICU kid is 14, and you're still talking about his or her "Adjusted Age".

* Your 'breast friend' is the pump.

* Your addicted to acronyms. *NICU, CPAAP, RSV…*

* You get all weepy when you see a normal, picture perfect delivery on TV.

* You refer to NICU procedures with the skill of a NICU nurse.

* You get a little sad when you pass a hospital.

* You just can't truly enjoy yourself no matter what you're doing because your heart is still in the NICU.

* You can't help but tell your NICU story.

* You realize it's possible to get LESS sleep than moms of full term babies because of all the late night worrying.

* You see a picture of a baby with the NICU elephant nose and go, "Awwww!!"

* You actually have to buy doll clothes just so your NICU baby will have clothes that fit!

* You have a special box of NICU souvenirs you keep meaning to scrapbook.

* You know the name of every baby in the NICU & who their nurse is for that day.

* The different personalities of the nurses at the NICU no longer get under your skin...you've learned how to react to each one accordingly.

* You get sentimental & worried when you hear beeping sounds.

* You could check your NICU baby's vital signs faster than any health care professional you've met so far.

* You keep hand sanitizer in every room of your house & you ask people to use it before coming near your NICU baby.

* You still scrub your hands like a surgeon.

* Your only concern every day is when it's time for the "hands on" session with your baby, & you turn into Godzilla when you find out that your baby's hands on procedures were completed before you got there.

* You're an expert on calming your parents down because a NICU nurse couldn't tell them personal information on their own grandbaby. "

* You know that "kangaroo care" isn't a kid's game, in fact-it's your most FAVORITE time of the day, the reason you get out of bed…

* You no longer need an alarm clock to wake you up at midnight every night-that's when you call to check on your NICU baby's weight!

* To everyone else, an ounce is just a measurement, but to you an ounce is more valuable than gold-you praise God for every one your NICU baby gains.

* 'Rooming in' isn't something you do with your friends over the weekend for fun-it's one of the happiest days of your life.

* 1800 is your new favorite number.

* Your heart skips a beat when the nurse puts you on hold before telling you your baby's daily report because you fear that may mean bad news.

*Each time you see an unknown number on your caller ID, you hold your breath praying it's not the NICU.

* The March of Dimes becomes the most important fund raiser to you.

* You get nauseous when you see a black light because it reminds you too much of the bilirubin lights your NICU baby spent the 1st week of her life under.

* You know what Micro-Preemie means & you thank God every day that your NICU baby wasn't one; being a mother to a regular preemie was hard enough.

* Your NICU baby's home coming is THE happiest day of your life *so far*

*The hospital smell that most people hate brings tears to your eyes because it reminds you of your NICU experience.

* You bring your NICU baby home from the hospital with a new found appreciation for her doctors & nurses…God used them to save your baby's life.

I just had to post this.... because this is totally me! Being a preemie parent changes you.... I added a few things.

We are home!

Ha well I suck at blogging!

Little miss Halle has adjusted to being at home quite well. She is having a hard time gaining weight. It is the most frustrating thing ever! She eats a lot but the problem is she can't keep it down. She is on two medications to help her. The last few days I see a little improvement. She probably only spits up all of her feeding like once a day instead of every feeding. Halle is 3 months old and weighs 4 pounds 9 ounces and 17 inches long. She's not even on the preemie chart yet! I have tried so many bottles to try to get her to eat the fortified stuff she sometimes will take one, but most of the time it's a fight. Most of the time she just spits everything back up anyways. She loves to be cuddled, hasn't slept in her bed at all. Yes I know that's bad she sleeps with us.

Halle's eyes are not fully developed. We have been to the eye doctor twice now and no progress at all. She said if at our next visit they haven't done anything then she will have to send us up to Primary's and that she might even need them lasered! Ugh I so don't want to be at primary's again. I guess it's just a wait and see thing so I guess I shouldn't even stress about it yet.

She is getting so strong. She can lift her head up from side to side. Is trying to roll over, she doesn't like her belly unless she's asleep. You really have to hold her head when you hold her up right, you would think so by just looking at her because she's still pretty small.

Anyways maybe I should go back to when we were still in the NICU. It was a Thursday and they asked me if I would like to board in to see if she could nurse all of her feeds since she didn't want the bottle. I of course said yes! So on Friday we got her echo done and checked her kidney's and got the carseat test done in preparation of getting her home. So I stayed and she did it! I was completely shocked. So Saturday night we roomed in I was on cloud nine. She lost 30 grams but it wasn't that bad since she had only been nursing and not getting any of the fortified stuff, she was on the 30 calorie stuff. On Sunday morning the nurse came in to inform me that she may not be going home due to a head ultrasound that needed to be done before discharge to check her brain bleed. I was crushed, and asked why we didn't do that on Friday also. Then it took forever for the doctors to come and round on us, due to an emergency in the NICU. Finally around 3:00 they came in and the doctor asked 'what do you want to do?' I replied 'you know what I want.' and he said lets get this going them. We could get the head ultrasounds at a year old unless she starts showing signs, that they really don't do anything for a grade 1. I was back on cloud nine! We were going home!! We Can get back to normalcy again. The kids were so excited to have there sister at home.

I'm having a harder time adjusting to three kids than I thought I would. I just can't seem to pull it together, my house is always a mess I just can't stay on top of it. I'm sure it will get better as Halle starts sleeping longer and I won't be a walking zombie. Well I hopefully will be a little better a blogging I'm at least going to shoot for once a month. I think I might can accomplish that goal.

Frustrated again!

I am just so completely frustrated at everything and everyone. Halle is losing weight again! I don't know what to do. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I'm emotionally done with this incredibly slow progress we seem to make just to go right back to where we started from. Im going to have to stop nursing for my sanity and hopefully when she gets bigger we can 'try' again. I'm so completely saddened by this I really think she likes to nurse. That's what is so frustrating I've nursed 2 other babies and this one I guess is not clicking. I think she is but I guess I'm wrong, since she's not gaining weight.
I just feel so guilty! It hurts to type that word because it's what I'm living right now. Everything I do is wrong I feel. Im usually a very positive person and I can't climb out of this mood I'm in. I'm kind of hoping it's the 'baby blues' people talk about. I've never experienced it. I can act totally fine but inside I'm tearing myself apart. How do I fix this? I'm hoping just time, and probably getting out of the Nicu!!!
I'm laying in bed looking at the clock and I'm supposed to be feeding Halle in a half an hour and I'm not there. I'm not there because I couldnt take it anymore. I put so much pressure on myself. I was 100% she would gain weight tonight and I was wrong! My heart sank, my tears came up and I had to leave. It's hard because I should be there holding her, but I got selfish. In my mind all I can think is I need her to come home I can't be away from my kids anymore, I need more of a routine. See I'm selfish! This feeling of discouragement sucks. I feel like this horrible roller coaster I'm on is never going to let me off. I'm now screaming to let me off I can't take it anymore. I need someone to save me. Really it's just me and Halle that can fix it.
So now I'm giving up the next few days and letting her be tube fed. Hopefully she can gain a lot of weight then we can try the bottle again. I can't handle her losing weight so bottle feeding it will have to be. I can have my mini affair with my pump (we are best buds now!)

Day 41-46

So miss Halle got an infection. Luckily they caught it fast, her urine output was so low she wasn't really waking up to eat. Then one night she had blood in her urine. That's when they had to a CBC and a urine analysis put an iv in her head. She was dehydration and just didn't feel good. They started antibiotics, her CBC was elevated. I actually cried in front of my nurse, I never cry in front of people. My emotions had enough lows and I couldn't hold them in, it's so hard to have so many lows and only a few highs. Well they caught it early enough and she was on a three day course of antibiotics and was so much better by the third day she was nursing again like a pro.
Halle can hopefully wait on the surgery if she shows no sign the her heart is struggling. Her blood pressures are doing great. She's eating well, she's urinating (heart and kidneys go hand in hand) the echo showed a slight improvement. Over all her heart is holding out so far.
We got a roommate and she is the sweetest little thing ever. She has down syndrome and Halle has turners they make the perfect pair. Her mom is so nice. It's nice to have someone to talk to who has the same feelings your having.
My milk supply went down like way down and I pumped all of the time, to get it back up. I succeeded. It has finally hit me, I'm exhausted I can't catch up on my sleep. I'm going to have to sleep for days when Halle gets home.

Just feelings!

I'm surviving, is my response when people asking how we are doing. This is so incredibly hard trying to balance life! I feel guilty when I'm home, thinking I should be with Halle, but I feel guilty when I'm at the hospital, thinking I should be with Mason and Adalyn. I want/need to spend time with my husband and really don't have time to breathe most days.
Halle is getting very good at nursing so I'm at the hospital every three hours till 11at night if not later. My thinking is the faster she can get this down and start gaining weight she can come HOME!
I sit in the hospital most of the time she is asleep on my chest which is probably one of the best feelings in the world! I don't want to feel sorry for myself, that's the worst thing I can do. But it's hard not to some days. I just want to be home with the 5 of us and watch a movie. I know it will happen its just not coming fast enough.
My house is awful! I would be so completely embarrassed if someone came in right now! I probably have at least 4 loads if laundry on my couch waiting to be folded and put away. I go home and just want to sleep, cleaning not even on the list.
I know baby's take up a lot of time, but it's so much better at home then having to take the time to run across town to feed them. Then I get to see moms and dads taking home there 'healthy baby' and I smile and envy how lucky they are that they get to take him/her home. I just wanted to experience that once. Well this momma has retired. I don't think I can go through this again, to hard emotionally, mentally, financially, physically(I'm still fat!) and my kids need me home.
I can't wait till I can get back into a routine. My house can be clean, well cleaner. It will happen eventually. When this is all over, it will seem so fast but going through it, it's extremely slow!
I saw a quote that I'm going to use, it says 'you never know how strong you are until, being strong is the only choice you have.' some people say how strong we are and that they don't think they could do it. This quote is amazing because we all have our trails in life and we all get through them some how, we don't know how or when we will. We look back and see how strong we were. It's quite amazing I think. We are just going through the motions right now just trying to keep our heads above the water. But we are strong and we will get through it, even though today I'm kind of a Debbie Downer. I still know tomorrow will be better.

Day 35-40

I'm not sure why things can change so fast, but they do. Her last echo showed some narrowing in her aorta again! This means there is future heart surgeries down the road. Hopefully not too soon. The repeated the echo a few days ago and have yet to hear results to see if she has to go back up to primary children's to have heart surgery now instead of waiting. I just don't understand how her heart can be going bad and her looking so good. My doctor here doesn't think she will need the surgery right away, which I'm so hoping not!
Miss Halle is nursing and has it down! She is able to nurse 2 times a shift and is doing great. I'm so grateful that this has come so natural to her (and me!) that something is actually easy!! The first few days of trying she would try but didn't really do anything. After that every time she would latch on she got better and better, now she is doing full feeds every time!
Halle is now 4 pounds and is sticking right around there, when you start nursing a preemie they can loose weight from the energy they are putting forth, and they are loosing out on the extra calories she was getting from the fortified breast milk she is tube fed. Which this is totally normal and she hasn't even lost that much. I think tonight she will start gaining again as last night she only lost 5 grams.
Halle seems like she will be a pretty content baby, really no crying coming from her! Ha what she does do is she likes to hold her breath when she's sick of being held or being messed with! So most likely she will be coming home on oxygen. Which sucks but at least I will have the monitors.
The kids got to come see her again, they were very excited! They love their baby Halle.