Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Halle 9 months.

I totally forgot to post Halle's 9 month. She is 8 pounds 2 ounces. Still in newborn clothes! This girl is having the hardest time growing. We finally have her eat some things. She loves crackers. Still will not take baby food, gags every time! So frustrating. When all I want is for her to gain weight.

She is still a huge mommas girl, well basically she cries if someone else is holding her. Yes occasionally I want/need a break, but It usually only last for a second. I can't stand to hear her cry. She still does not sleep through the night. She has been getting better about nap time. Well that's about all she has done this month.

D-day aka Friday.

So it was the day we had to go in for are ultrasound. It was a long week, as I tried to prepare myself what I was about to go through. A lady donated one of her beautiful blankets to me. Well actually 2 blankets, one for myself and one to lay with my sweet daughter. I had talked to everyone I needed to talk to, for the delivery if that were to happen.

My palms were sweating waiting in the waiting room. When Bobbie walked out and looked at me and asked are you ready? I replied not really, she replied neither am I. We walked back to the ultrasound room. I took a deep breath in and she layed the Doppler on my belly. There was FLUID!! Not much but it had started to accumulate. I had 3 ounces!!! It is supposed to be in between 8-25 I do believe. My heart started to race. She took a few pictures, Halle's heart was still not functioning like it should. But there was fluid. When the doctor came in he said lets do another ultrasound on Monday and see what it does by then.

On Monday we went back in and there was 6 ounces!! My doctor could hardly believe what was happening, the next few day and weeks we went in 2 times a week. Every time we went in she had started to improve! Her heart started looking better, her swelling went down everywhere but her legs, feet, and hands. Her cystic hygroma was GONE!! We still needed to see the cardiologist, but I wanted to wait till I knew she could live outside of the womb. So we scheduled it when I was 24 weeks.

My miracle was happening. All I wanted was to be able to be her mother for as much time as Heavenly Father allowed me to be. I just want to be able to hold her, feed her, give her a bath. I wanted those intimate moments with her.

Monday, September 10, 2012

The inevitable happened.

It was my husbands birthday. We woke up, and I said to him for your birthday present I won't have Halle today. We had a fun day playing around. We got home late, and got the kids to bed. Brandon and I fell asleep watching something downstairs. I woke up around 1:00am and was walking up to my bedroom, half asleep. When I thought I peed a little, you know walking up stairs can do that to a pregnant lady. So I went to the bathroom changed my clothes and went to sleep.

When I woke up the next morning I remembered what had happened. I thought to myself maybe my water had broken? I put a pad in just incase and went about my day. That night came and I was completely dry. So I knew that I had just peed myself. So I told Brandon what had happened the night before. Then I had to use the restroom. That's when my water broke! It wasn't just a trickle like the night before. Panic set in I was only 19 weeks. I wasn't ready to say goodbye to our sweet girl. My father in law came over to watch Mason and Adalyn, while we went to the hospital.

We went to the desk, and I had to tell them my water had broken. They started to look for my information, when I said I wouldn't be in there, that I was only 19 weeks. I remember their faces dropped. They took us back to a room. The nurse was so nice, as I had to tell her we were kind of expecting this to happen. That my little girl most likely would live. She was positive and said maybe it didn't break.

We had to wait for the results to come back. When they came back positive, my doctor called me. He asked me what I wanted to do?!? I was so not prepared to have my baby girl that night. So I told him I wanted to go home and wait. For either an infection to set in, or my contractions to start. After I hung up. I excused myself to the bathroom, and I bawled!! I still can't believe I had held it in that whole time.

I had a lot of people tell me I had 2 other kids to look out for, that I needed to do what was safe for me. That was to abort! I wasn't listening I just wanted it to happen naturally if that's what it was meant to be.

That night was so hard!! I payed close attention to how I was feeling, I had to take my temp every few hours. I was trying to soak up every minute with my precious unborn daughter. I cried a lot! I never did cry in front of my kids. I would excuse myself and go to the bathroom, or I would wake up in the middle of the night.

The next few days, I called around to try to plan a small funeral. We had to go to the 'high risk' doctors. They kept telling me all of the odds were stacked against me. That if I were anywhere else but Utah. They would be aborting. Nobody gave us any hope!! My doctor was getting very nervous, about me getting an infection. He finally told me, if there was still no fluid by that Friday we would be inducing. My last delivery was awful, had a major complications with several infections. He did not want me to have to go through that again.

Friday, September 7, 2012


Last year I had an amnio done, to make sure that my little baby didn't have the deadly chromosome disorder. I was so nervous because 1-400 complications can occur. I have horrible luck with odds, medically speaking.

So we went in and I asked several times what my odds were and they kept saying you'll be fine. So I laid on the table and they got me prepped. I was very nervous! They inserted the needle and it was a pinch, as soon as they poked through my uterus and then Halle went crazy. The doctor just had to wait to get the sample until she settled down. As we waited the needle was in my uterus, and boy was I cramping. I remember the doctor saying if the needle gets her she will be fine. So I think they might of gotten a little nervous.

Finally she after what seemed like 20+ minutes, was really like 2 but when your contracting it makes everything worse. They got the sample, but my fluid had blood in it so they weren't sure if my results would come back as fast as they should. The doctor explained to us the severity of how bad she looked and encouraged us to abort. We has heard this every other day for the last month. So we just dismissed his concerns.

Now we had to wait for the results! That's the hard part. I was still going in to have ultrasounds to make sure my baby girls heartbeat was still there. That was so hard just waiting for her heart to stop. I had even gone as far as to start planning her funeral.