Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Frustrated again!

I am just so completely frustrated at everything and everyone. Halle is losing weight again! I don't know what to do. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I'm emotionally done with this incredibly slow progress we seem to make just to go right back to where we started from. Im going to have to stop nursing for my sanity and hopefully when she gets bigger we can 'try' again. I'm so completely saddened by this I really think she likes to nurse. That's what is so frustrating I've nursed 2 other babies and this one I guess is not clicking. I think she is but I guess I'm wrong, since she's not gaining weight.
I just feel so guilty! It hurts to type that word because it's what I'm living right now. Everything I do is wrong I feel. Im usually a very positive person and I can't climb out of this mood I'm in. I'm kind of hoping it's the 'baby blues' people talk about. I've never experienced it. I can act totally fine but inside I'm tearing myself apart. How do I fix this? I'm hoping just time, and probably getting out of the Nicu!!!
I'm laying in bed looking at the clock and I'm supposed to be feeding Halle in a half an hour and I'm not there. I'm not there because I couldnt take it anymore. I put so much pressure on myself. I was 100% she would gain weight tonight and I was wrong! My heart sank, my tears came up and I had to leave. It's hard because I should be there holding her, but I got selfish. In my mind all I can think is I need her to come home I can't be away from my kids anymore, I need more of a routine. See I'm selfish! This feeling of discouragement sucks. I feel like this horrible roller coaster I'm on is never going to let me off. I'm now screaming to let me off I can't take it anymore. I need someone to save me. Really it's just me and Halle that can fix it.
So now I'm giving up the next few days and letting her be tube fed. Hopefully she can gain a lot of weight then we can try the bottle again. I can't handle her losing weight so bottle feeding it will have to be. I can have my mini affair with my pump (we are best buds now!)

Day 41-46

So miss Halle got an infection. Luckily they caught it fast, her urine output was so low she wasn't really waking up to eat. Then one night she had blood in her urine. That's when they had to a CBC and a urine analysis put an iv in her head. She was dehydration and just didn't feel good. They started antibiotics, her CBC was elevated. I actually cried in front of my nurse, I never cry in front of people. My emotions had enough lows and I couldn't hold them in, it's so hard to have so many lows and only a few highs. Well they caught it early enough and she was on a three day course of antibiotics and was so much better by the third day she was nursing again like a pro.
Halle can hopefully wait on the surgery if she shows no sign the her heart is struggling. Her blood pressures are doing great. She's eating well, she's urinating (heart and kidneys go hand in hand) the echo showed a slight improvement. Over all her heart is holding out so far.
We got a roommate and she is the sweetest little thing ever. She has down syndrome and Halle has turners they make the perfect pair. Her mom is so nice. It's nice to have someone to talk to who has the same feelings your having.
My milk supply went down like way down and I pumped all of the time, to get it back up. I succeeded. It has finally hit me, I'm exhausted I can't catch up on my sleep. I'm going to have to sleep for days when Halle gets home.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Just feelings!

I'm surviving, is my response when people asking how we are doing. This is so incredibly hard trying to balance life! I feel guilty when I'm home, thinking I should be with Halle, but I feel guilty when I'm at the hospital, thinking I should be with Mason and Adalyn. I want/need to spend time with my husband and really don't have time to breathe most days.
Halle is getting very good at nursing so I'm at the hospital every three hours till 11at night if not later. My thinking is the faster she can get this down and start gaining weight she can come HOME!
I sit in the hospital most of the time she is asleep on my chest which is probably one of the best feelings in the world! I don't want to feel sorry for myself, that's the worst thing I can do. But it's hard not to some days. I just want to be home with the 5 of us and watch a movie. I know it will happen its just not coming fast enough.
My house is awful! I would be so completely embarrassed if someone came in right now! I probably have at least 4 loads if laundry on my couch waiting to be folded and put away. I go home and just want to sleep, cleaning not even on the list.
I know baby's take up a lot of time, but it's so much better at home then having to take the time to run across town to feed them. Then I get to see moms and dads taking home there 'healthy baby' and I smile and envy how lucky they are that they get to take him/her home. I just wanted to experience that once. Well this momma has retired. I don't think I can go through this again, to hard emotionally, mentally, financially, physically(I'm still fat!) and my kids need me home.
I can't wait till I can get back into a routine. My house can be clean, well cleaner. It will happen eventually. When this is all over, it will seem so fast but going through it, it's extremely slow!
I saw a quote that I'm going to use, it says 'you never know how strong you are until, being strong is the only choice you have.' some people say how strong we are and that they don't think they could do it. This quote is amazing because we all have our trails in life and we all get through them some how, we don't know how or when we will. We look back and see how strong we were. It's quite amazing I think. We are just going through the motions right now just trying to keep our heads above the water. But we are strong and we will get through it, even though today I'm kind of a Debbie Downer. I still know tomorrow will be better.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Day 35-40

I'm not sure why things can change so fast, but they do. Her last echo showed some narrowing in her aorta again! This means there is future heart surgeries down the road. Hopefully not too soon. The repeated the echo a few days ago and have yet to hear results to see if she has to go back up to primary children's to have heart surgery now instead of waiting. I just don't understand how her heart can be going bad and her looking so good. My doctor here doesn't think she will need the surgery right away, which I'm so hoping not!
Miss Halle is nursing and has it down! She is able to nurse 2 times a shift and is doing great. I'm so grateful that this has come so natural to her (and me!) that something is actually easy!! The first few days of trying she would try but didn't really do anything. After that every time she would latch on she got better and better, now she is doing full feeds every time!
Halle is now 4 pounds and is sticking right around there, when you start nursing a preemie they can loose weight from the energy they are putting forth, and they are loosing out on the extra calories she was getting from the fortified breast milk she is tube fed. Which this is totally normal and she hasn't even lost that much. I think tonight she will start gaining again as last night she only lost 5 grams.
Halle seems like she will be a pretty content baby, really no crying coming from her! Ha what she does do is she likes to hold her breath when she's sick of being held or being messed with! So most likely she will be coming home on oxygen. Which sucks but at least I will have the monitors.
The kids got to come see her again, they were very excited! They love their baby Halle.