Just feelings!

I'm surviving, is my response when people asking how we are doing. This is so incredibly hard trying to balance life! I feel guilty when I'm home, thinking I should be with Halle, but I feel guilty when I'm at the hospital, thinking I should be with Mason and Adalyn. I want/need to spend time with my husband and really don't have time to breathe most days.
Halle is getting very good at nursing so I'm at the hospital every three hours till 11at night if not later. My thinking is the faster she can get this down and start gaining weight she can come HOME!
I sit in the hospital most of the time she is asleep on my chest which is probably one of the best feelings in the world! I don't want to feel sorry for myself, that's the worst thing I can do. But it's hard not to some days. I just want to be home with the 5 of us and watch a movie. I know it will happen its just not coming fast enough.
My house is awful! I would be so completely embarrassed if someone came in right now! I probably have at least 4 loads if laundry on my couch waiting to be folded and put away. I go home and just want to sleep, cleaning not even on the list.
I know baby's take up a lot of time, but it's so much better at home then having to take the time to run across town to feed them. Then I get to see moms and dads taking home there 'healthy baby' and I smile and envy how lucky they are that they get to take him/her home. I just wanted to experience that once. Well this momma has retired. I don't think I can go through this again, to hard emotionally, mentally, financially, physically(I'm still fat!) and my kids need me home.
I can't wait till I can get back into a routine. My house can be clean, well cleaner. It will happen eventually. When this is all over, it will seem so fast but going through it, it's extremely slow!
I saw a quote that I'm going to use, it says 'you never know how strong you are until, being strong is the only choice you have.' some people say how strong we are and that they don't think they could do it. This quote is amazing because we all have our trails in life and we all get through them some how, we don't know how or when we will. We look back and see how strong we were. It's quite amazing I think. We are just going through the motions right now just trying to keep our heads above the water. But we are strong and we will get through it, even though today I'm kind of a Debbie Downer. I still know tomorrow will be better.