I am just so completely frustrated at everything and everyone. Halle is losing weight again! I don't know what to do. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I'm emotionally done with this incredibly slow progress we seem to make just to go right back to where we started from. Im going to have to stop nursing for my sanity and hopefully when she gets bigger we can 'try' again. I'm so completely saddened by this I really think she likes to nurse. That's what is so frustrating I've nursed 2 other babies and this one I guess is not clicking. I think she is but I guess I'm wrong, since she's not gaining weight.
I just feel so guilty! It hurts to type that word because it's what I'm living right now. Everything I do is wrong I feel. Im usually a very positive person and I can't climb out of this mood I'm in. I'm kind of hoping it's the 'baby blues' people talk about. I've never experienced it. I can act totally fine but inside I'm tearing myself apart. How do I fix this? I'm hoping just time, and probably getting out of the Nicu!!!
I'm laying in bed looking at the clock and I'm supposed to be feeding Halle in a half an hour and I'm not there. I'm not there because I couldnt take it anymore. I put so much pressure on myself. I was 100% she would gain weight tonight and I was wrong! My heart sank, my tears came up and I had to leave. It's hard because I should be there holding her, but I got selfish. In my mind all I can think is I need her to come home I can't be away from my kids anymore, I need more of a routine. See I'm selfish! This feeling of discouragement sucks. I feel like this horrible roller coaster I'm on is never going to let me off. I'm now screaming to let me off I can't take it anymore. I need someone to save me. Really it's just me and Halle that can fix it.
So now I'm giving up the next few days and letting her be tube fed. Hopefully she can gain a lot of weight then we can try the bottle again. I can't handle her losing weight so bottle feeding it will have to be. I can have my mini affair with my pump (we are best buds now!)
I feel so bad for you. I can relate in someways, the whole gaining nursing thing about drove me crazy with Sam. I wanted him home so... bad but he wouldn't gain like I wanted him to. Hang in there I hope this roller coaster ends soon for you. Thinking of you often.
ReplyDeleteYou have every right to feel every emotion there is. Just don't get stuck on a sad one for too long. Your little girl is so cute and I am praying she will gain weight, lots and lots:) take good care of yourself it's okay to have some selfish time:)
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