Life

So you know the feeling when everything hits you at once? That's been me everyday for the last week or so.
Let's talk money first! I hate money or lack there of right now. Bills are a rolling in now. My savings account is gone! That is so stressful when you don't have a back-up if something else where to happen. we are back in credit card debt not that much but still enough to drive me crazy! I lay in bed staring at the ceiling thinking of ways to pay bills of faster. Some lady did tell me about financial assistance, so we applied and already I'm seeing light at the end of this debt tunnel we are in. I know we could be in worse shape. So I'm trying really hard not to complain because Halle is so worth all of it. We are so incredibly lucky to have her in our family. So let the bills come in I guess we will become debt free again one day. Hopefully sooner than later.

Mason is about to graduate preschool! When did my little boy get so big? I am seriously not ready for school. He is so sensitive. ( I do baby my boy) I just don't want anyone to be mean to him. I'm scared! I get tears in my eyes just thinking about it. I'm not ready for him to grow up, I know they all do. I'm excited for him to learn new things and get new friends. I just don't want the day to come where he won't lay by me and cuddle. I get annoyed that I can never keep my house clean, but I love it at the same time. I love playing dress up with him, and pretending we are in a snowball fight getting in our igloos . I just love his imagination! I don't want that to go away anytime soon. He is my sweet little boy with occasional attitude

My sweet Adalyn I think has bio polar. She can be the sweetest thing ever, example. We were on the cruise and Brandon ordered room service and the guy came Adalyn told him wait You need money. and the guy laughed and Brandon signed his paper. She dug in her purse and found her dollar and the guy was already walking out she ran and gave that dollar to him with the biggest smile on her face. (I love these moments) on the other hand she has the worst tantrums ever!!! If she doesn't get what she wants we all better watch our backs. She back talks like nobodies business. Let's just say if a complete stranger talked to me the way she does I would punch them. She doesn't get away with it either I mean she goes to time out. It's just not working so any suggestions? I do love her imagination as well we play barbies and dolls while Mason is at school so it's just us girls, and I love it! So many memories of when I used to do the same. She tries to comfort Halle when she's crying. Most of the time she gives up and finally yells just stop crying! Ha she needs to learn patience a I put her in preschool next year and I hope she is good for her teacher cause oh boy can she be stubborn. I think she will absolutely love it. She is very independent.


My sweet baby Halle, she is usually happy as long as she is being held. She doesn't sleep very well. She does laugh a lot in her sleep, wakes her up everytime. Ha I do like to think she dreams very happy dreams! Maybe her life is just going to be so much fun? I sure hope so she deserves it! She still amazes me at everything we've been through with her that she is laying in my arms right now! I still remember laying in bed after they told me she wasn't going to live, crying no bawling at night in the middle of the day. It's so weird that I grieved this sweet girl that's here with me! Somedays actually most days I think I'm in a dream. After being told repeatedly that your baby isn't going to make it, its hard to comprehend that everything is perfect now. Well as perfect as it can get! I have my miracle.

I thank Heavenly Father everyday for giving me the opportunity to raise these sweet children. I'm so incredibly lucky. That's what I have to remember how lucky I am. I get to play and make memories with my 3 incredibly smart, funny, stubborn, occasionally mean, beautiful kids. It's amazing being a mother, and I pray daily that everyone gets to experience this feeling. I pray that my sweet Halle will be able to adopt her miracles one day and get to experience this. I'm amazed at what we woman go through to have a little piece of heaven with us.

Halle 5 months!

I can't believe my baby is 5 months already! Time just is going by way too quickly.
She is smiling
Is finally in newborn clothes
Weighs 6 pounds 6 ounces
Loves to be held
Loves me!
Doesn't sleep at night!
Is bringing her hands together
Takes 1 bottle a day (most days)
Her heart is staying stable
Here eyes are still not developed, she goes cross eyed a lot so she will need a surgery to fix that around 12-15 months.
Are medical bills are outstanding, she has reached the one million dollar mark. Still has quite a few more things to do.
Mason and Adalyn still adore Halle.


She is a good baby as long as I hold her. Put her down or let someone else hold her she cries and wiggles. I need to put her on a sleeping schedule. I'm so completely tired, I feel guilty I'm not able to play with Mason and Adalyn as much because Halle still is keeping me up all night. Time is going so fast I don't want to miss anything with any of my kids.

What if?

My mind keeps going back to the day my water broke the first time. It was late we fell asleep on the couch. I got up and started my way upstairs I started leaking. I just thought oh I peed myself. It was late and I was tired, so I changed my under garments and went back to sleep. The morning came and I thought maybe it was my water. Since I had just had the amnio done. Brandon's dad was down and we went to home show. I leaked a little nothing much I had a pad in. That night I thought well I guess I did just pee myself. I told Brandon about it, and my mom called. As I was talking to her I had a gush, I calmly told her I would call her back, and I ran to the bathroom sure enough my water was broke at 19 weeks. I was terrified I was so not ready to say goodbye. Brandon and I drove to the hospital. I went to the front desk and told them my water broke. They started looking for my name in the files. I had to tell them I wasn't in there since I was only 19 weeks. Everyone's faces dropped. At this time we were told that Halle didn't have a chance at life. She took me back to my room, did the test. Sure enough the water was broken. They are truly so sweet, I did have to recuse myself to the restroom to cry. I hate crying in front of people. They gave me the option to be induced that night or just wait for my body to start labor. Obviously I chose to wait.
Now here is the what if? What if I did chose to be induced? I wouldn't be holding this sweet girl in my arms right now. I would still be grieving the lose of her. I know it's horrible to even think about, because she's here! We went through a long hard road with her but all of it is so worth it. Just hold this sweet girl up to your chest, and you can just feel what a sweet spirit she has. I am so grateful I listened to myself and not what the doctors were telling us. They are right most of the time, but when you feel something so strongly you just got to leap forward and go with it, because it's probably the right thing to do.

All NICU moms!

* Your NICU kid is 14, and you're still talking about his or her "Adjusted Age".

* Your 'breast friend' is the pump.

* Your addicted to acronyms. *NICU, CPAAP, RSV…*

* You get all weepy when you see a normal, picture perfect delivery on TV.

* You refer to NICU procedures with the skill of a NICU nurse.

* You get a little sad when you pass a hospital.

* You just can't truly enjoy yourself no matter what you're doing because your heart is still in the NICU.

* You can't help but tell your NICU story.

* You realize it's possible to get LESS sleep than moms of full term babies because of all the late night worrying.

* You see a picture of a baby with the NICU elephant nose and go, "Awwww!!"

* You actually have to buy doll clothes just so your NICU baby will have clothes that fit!

* You have a special box of NICU souvenirs you keep meaning to scrapbook.

* You know the name of every baby in the NICU & who their nurse is for that day.

* The different personalities of the nurses at the NICU no longer get under your skin...you've learned how to react to each one accordingly.

* You get sentimental & worried when you hear beeping sounds.

* You could check your NICU baby's vital signs faster than any health care professional you've met so far.

* You keep hand sanitizer in every room of your house & you ask people to use it before coming near your NICU baby.

* You still scrub your hands like a surgeon.

* Your only concern every day is when it's time for the "hands on" session with your baby, & you turn into Godzilla when you find out that your baby's hands on procedures were completed before you got there.

* You're an expert on calming your parents down because a NICU nurse couldn't tell them personal information on their own grandbaby. "

* You know that "kangaroo care" isn't a kid's game, in fact-it's your most FAVORITE time of the day, the reason you get out of bed…

* You no longer need an alarm clock to wake you up at midnight every night-that's when you call to check on your NICU baby's weight!

* To everyone else, an ounce is just a measurement, but to you an ounce is more valuable than gold-you praise God for every one your NICU baby gains.

* 'Rooming in' isn't something you do with your friends over the weekend for fun-it's one of the happiest days of your life.

* 1800 is your new favorite number.

* Your heart skips a beat when the nurse puts you on hold before telling you your baby's daily report because you fear that may mean bad news.

*Each time you see an unknown number on your caller ID, you hold your breath praying it's not the NICU.

* The March of Dimes becomes the most important fund raiser to you.

* You get nauseous when you see a black light because it reminds you too much of the bilirubin lights your NICU baby spent the 1st week of her life under.

* You know what Micro-Preemie means & you thank God every day that your NICU baby wasn't one; being a mother to a regular preemie was hard enough.

* Your NICU baby's home coming is THE happiest day of your life *so far*

*The hospital smell that most people hate brings tears to your eyes because it reminds you of your NICU experience.

* You bring your NICU baby home from the hospital with a new found appreciation for her doctors & nurses…God used them to save your baby's life.

I just had to post this.... because this is totally me! Being a preemie parent changes you.... I added a few things.

We are home!

Ha well I suck at blogging!

Little miss Halle has adjusted to being at home quite well. She is having a hard time gaining weight. It is the most frustrating thing ever! She eats a lot but the problem is she can't keep it down. She is on two medications to help her. The last few days I see a little improvement. She probably only spits up all of her feeding like once a day instead of every feeding. Halle is 3 months old and weighs 4 pounds 9 ounces and 17 inches long. She's not even on the preemie chart yet! I have tried so many bottles to try to get her to eat the fortified stuff she sometimes will take one, but most of the time it's a fight. Most of the time she just spits everything back up anyways. She loves to be cuddled, hasn't slept in her bed at all. Yes I know that's bad she sleeps with us.

Halle's eyes are not fully developed. We have been to the eye doctor twice now and no progress at all. She said if at our next visit they haven't done anything then she will have to send us up to Primary's and that she might even need them lasered! Ugh I so don't want to be at primary's again. I guess it's just a wait and see thing so I guess I shouldn't even stress about it yet.

She is getting so strong. She can lift her head up from side to side. Is trying to roll over, she doesn't like her belly unless she's asleep. You really have to hold her head when you hold her up right, you would think so by just looking at her because she's still pretty small.

Anyways maybe I should go back to when we were still in the NICU. It was a Thursday and they asked me if I would like to board in to see if she could nurse all of her feeds since she didn't want the bottle. I of course said yes! So on Friday we got her echo done and checked her kidney's and got the carseat test done in preparation of getting her home. So I stayed and she did it! I was completely shocked. So Saturday night we roomed in I was on cloud nine. She lost 30 grams but it wasn't that bad since she had only been nursing and not getting any of the fortified stuff, she was on the 30 calorie stuff. On Sunday morning the nurse came in to inform me that she may not be going home due to a head ultrasound that needed to be done before discharge to check her brain bleed. I was crushed, and asked why we didn't do that on Friday also. Then it took forever for the doctors to come and round on us, due to an emergency in the NICU. Finally around 3:00 they came in and the doctor asked 'what do you want to do?' I replied 'you know what I want.' and he said lets get this going them. We could get the head ultrasounds at a year old unless she starts showing signs, that they really don't do anything for a grade 1. I was back on cloud nine! We were going home!! We Can get back to normalcy again. The kids were so excited to have there sister at home.

I'm having a harder time adjusting to three kids than I thought I would. I just can't seem to pull it together, my house is always a mess I just can't stay on top of it. I'm sure it will get better as Halle starts sleeping longer and I won't be a walking zombie. Well I hopefully will be a little better a blogging I'm at least going to shoot for once a month. I think I might can accomplish that goal.

Frustrated again!

I am just so completely frustrated at everything and everyone. Halle is losing weight again! I don't know what to do. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I'm emotionally done with this incredibly slow progress we seem to make just to go right back to where we started from. Im going to have to stop nursing for my sanity and hopefully when she gets bigger we can 'try' again. I'm so completely saddened by this I really think she likes to nurse. That's what is so frustrating I've nursed 2 other babies and this one I guess is not clicking. I think she is but I guess I'm wrong, since she's not gaining weight.
I just feel so guilty! It hurts to type that word because it's what I'm living right now. Everything I do is wrong I feel. Im usually a very positive person and I can't climb out of this mood I'm in. I'm kind of hoping it's the 'baby blues' people talk about. I've never experienced it. I can act totally fine but inside I'm tearing myself apart. How do I fix this? I'm hoping just time, and probably getting out of the Nicu!!!
I'm laying in bed looking at the clock and I'm supposed to be feeding Halle in a half an hour and I'm not there. I'm not there because I couldnt take it anymore. I put so much pressure on myself. I was 100% she would gain weight tonight and I was wrong! My heart sank, my tears came up and I had to leave. It's hard because I should be there holding her, but I got selfish. In my mind all I can think is I need her to come home I can't be away from my kids anymore, I need more of a routine. See I'm selfish! This feeling of discouragement sucks. I feel like this horrible roller coaster I'm on is never going to let me off. I'm now screaming to let me off I can't take it anymore. I need someone to save me. Really it's just me and Halle that can fix it.
So now I'm giving up the next few days and letting her be tube fed. Hopefully she can gain a lot of weight then we can try the bottle again. I can't handle her losing weight so bottle feeding it will have to be. I can have my mini affair with my pump (we are best buds now!)

Day 41-46

So miss Halle got an infection. Luckily they caught it fast, her urine output was so low she wasn't really waking up to eat. Then one night she had blood in her urine. That's when they had to a CBC and a urine analysis put an iv in her head. She was dehydration and just didn't feel good. They started antibiotics, her CBC was elevated. I actually cried in front of my nurse, I never cry in front of people. My emotions had enough lows and I couldn't hold them in, it's so hard to have so many lows and only a few highs. Well they caught it early enough and she was on a three day course of antibiotics and was so much better by the third day she was nursing again like a pro.
Halle can hopefully wait on the surgery if she shows no sign the her heart is struggling. Her blood pressures are doing great. She's eating well, she's urinating (heart and kidneys go hand in hand) the echo showed a slight improvement. Over all her heart is holding out so far.
We got a roommate and she is the sweetest little thing ever. She has down syndrome and Halle has turners they make the perfect pair. Her mom is so nice. It's nice to have someone to talk to who has the same feelings your having.
My milk supply went down like way down and I pumped all of the time, to get it back up. I succeeded. It has finally hit me, I'm exhausted I can't catch up on my sleep. I'm going to have to sleep for days when Halle gets home.