So it was the day we had to go in for are ultrasound. It was a long week, as I tried to prepare myself what I was about to go through. A lady donated one of her beautiful blankets to me. Well actually 2 blankets, one for myself and one to lay with my sweet daughter. I had talked to everyone I needed to talk to, for the delivery if that were to happen.
My palms were sweating waiting in the waiting room. When Bobbie walked out and looked at me and asked are you ready? I replied not really, she replied neither am I. We walked back to the ultrasound room. I took a deep breath in and she layed the Doppler on my belly. There was FLUID!! Not much but it had started to accumulate. I had 3 ounces!!! It is supposed to be in between 8-25 I do believe. My heart started to race. She took a few pictures, Halle's heart was still not functioning like it should. But there was fluid. When the doctor came in he said lets do another ultrasound on Monday and see what it does by then.
On Monday we went back in and there was 6 ounces!! My doctor could hardly believe what was happening, the next few day and weeks we went in 2 times a week. Every time we went in she had started to improve! Her heart started looking better, her swelling went down everywhere but her legs, feet, and hands. Her cystic hygroma was GONE!! We still needed to see the cardiologist, but I wanted to wait till I knew she could live outside of the womb. So we scheduled it when I was 24 weeks.
My miracle was happening. All I wanted was to be able to be her mother for as much time as Heavenly Father allowed me to be. I just want to be able to hold her, feed her, give her a bath. I wanted those intimate moments with her.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Monday, September 10, 2012
The inevitable happened.
It was my husbands birthday. We woke up, and I said to him for your birthday present I won't have Halle today. We had a fun day playing around. We got home late, and got the kids to bed. Brandon and I fell asleep watching something downstairs. I woke up around 1:00am and was walking up to my bedroom, half asleep. When I thought I peed a little, you know walking up stairs can do that to a pregnant lady. So I went to the bathroom changed my clothes and went to sleep.
When I woke up the next morning I remembered what had happened. I thought to myself maybe my water had broken? I put a pad in just incase and went about my day. That night came and I was completely dry. So I knew that I had just peed myself. So I told Brandon what had happened the night before. Then I had to use the restroom. That's when my water broke! It wasn't just a trickle like the night before. Panic set in I was only 19 weeks. I wasn't ready to say goodbye to our sweet girl. My father in law came over to watch Mason and Adalyn, while we went to the hospital.
We went to the desk, and I had to tell them my water had broken. They started to look for my information, when I said I wouldn't be in there, that I was only 19 weeks. I remember their faces dropped. They took us back to a room. The nurse was so nice, as I had to tell her we were kind of expecting this to happen. That my little girl most likely would live. She was positive and said maybe it didn't break.
We had to wait for the results to come back. When they came back positive, my doctor called me. He asked me what I wanted to do?!? I was so not prepared to have my baby girl that night. So I told him I wanted to go home and wait. For either an infection to set in, or my contractions to start. After I hung up. I excused myself to the bathroom, and I bawled!! I still can't believe I had held it in that whole time.
I had a lot of people tell me I had 2 other kids to look out for, that I needed to do what was safe for me. That was to abort! I wasn't listening I just wanted it to happen naturally if that's what it was meant to be.
That night was so hard!! I payed close attention to how I was feeling, I had to take my temp every few hours. I was trying to soak up every minute with my precious unborn daughter. I cried a lot! I never did cry in front of my kids. I would excuse myself and go to the bathroom, or I would wake up in the middle of the night.
The next few days, I called around to try to plan a small funeral. We had to go to the 'high risk' doctors. They kept telling me all of the odds were stacked against me. That if I were anywhere else but Utah. They would be aborting. Nobody gave us any hope!! My doctor was getting very nervous, about me getting an infection. He finally told me, if there was still no fluid by that Friday we would be inducing. My last delivery was awful, had a major complications with several infections. He did not want me to have to go through that again.
When I woke up the next morning I remembered what had happened. I thought to myself maybe my water had broken? I put a pad in just incase and went about my day. That night came and I was completely dry. So I knew that I had just peed myself. So I told Brandon what had happened the night before. Then I had to use the restroom. That's when my water broke! It wasn't just a trickle like the night before. Panic set in I was only 19 weeks. I wasn't ready to say goodbye to our sweet girl. My father in law came over to watch Mason and Adalyn, while we went to the hospital.
We went to the desk, and I had to tell them my water had broken. They started to look for my information, when I said I wouldn't be in there, that I was only 19 weeks. I remember their faces dropped. They took us back to a room. The nurse was so nice, as I had to tell her we were kind of expecting this to happen. That my little girl most likely would live. She was positive and said maybe it didn't break.
We had to wait for the results to come back. When they came back positive, my doctor called me. He asked me what I wanted to do?!? I was so not prepared to have my baby girl that night. So I told him I wanted to go home and wait. For either an infection to set in, or my contractions to start. After I hung up. I excused myself to the bathroom, and I bawled!! I still can't believe I had held it in that whole time.
I had a lot of people tell me I had 2 other kids to look out for, that I needed to do what was safe for me. That was to abort! I wasn't listening I just wanted it to happen naturally if that's what it was meant to be.
That night was so hard!! I payed close attention to how I was feeling, I had to take my temp every few hours. I was trying to soak up every minute with my precious unborn daughter. I cried a lot! I never did cry in front of my kids. I would excuse myself and go to the bathroom, or I would wake up in the middle of the night.
The next few days, I called around to try to plan a small funeral. We had to go to the 'high risk' doctors. They kept telling me all of the odds were stacked against me. That if I were anywhere else but Utah. They would be aborting. Nobody gave us any hope!! My doctor was getting very nervous, about me getting an infection. He finally told me, if there was still no fluid by that Friday we would be inducing. My last delivery was awful, had a major complications with several infections. He did not want me to have to go through that again.
Friday, September 7, 2012
Amniocentesis
Last year I had an amnio done, to make sure that my little baby didn't have the deadly chromosome disorder. I was so nervous because 1-400 complications can occur. I have horrible luck with odds, medically speaking.
So we went in and I asked several times what my odds were and they kept saying you'll be fine. So I laid on the table and they got me prepped. I was very nervous! They inserted the needle and it was a pinch, as soon as they poked through my uterus and then Halle went crazy. The doctor just had to wait to get the sample until she settled down. As we waited the needle was in my uterus, and boy was I cramping. I remember the doctor saying if the needle gets her she will be fine. So I think they might of gotten a little nervous.
Finally she after what seemed like 20+ minutes, was really like 2 but when your contracting it makes everything worse. They got the sample, but my fluid had blood in it so they weren't sure if my results would come back as fast as they should. The doctor explained to us the severity of how bad she looked and encouraged us to abort. We has heard this every other day for the last month. So we just dismissed his concerns.
Now we had to wait for the results! That's the hard part. I was still going in to have ultrasounds to make sure my baby girls heartbeat was still there. That was so hard just waiting for her heart to stop. I had even gone as far as to start planning her funeral.
So we went in and I asked several times what my odds were and they kept saying you'll be fine. So I laid on the table and they got me prepped. I was very nervous! They inserted the needle and it was a pinch, as soon as they poked through my uterus and then Halle went crazy. The doctor just had to wait to get the sample until she settled down. As we waited the needle was in my uterus, and boy was I cramping. I remember the doctor saying if the needle gets her she will be fine. So I think they might of gotten a little nervous.
Finally she after what seemed like 20+ minutes, was really like 2 but when your contracting it makes everything worse. They got the sample, but my fluid had blood in it so they weren't sure if my results would come back as fast as they should. The doctor explained to us the severity of how bad she looked and encouraged us to abort. We has heard this every other day for the last month. So we just dismissed his concerns.
Now we had to wait for the results! That's the hard part. I was still going in to have ultrasounds to make sure my baby girls heartbeat was still there. That was so hard just waiting for her heart to stop. I had even gone as far as to start planning her funeral.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
One of the worst days ever!
2011 on August 11. My doctor wanted me to go in and have an ultrasound, because I was bleeding a little more than usual. We already knew that my baby had a cystic hygroma, and that I might miscarry. I went by myself, thinking nothing would be wrong. I had to have my mom leave her work and come watch my kids plus my babysitting kids. Brandon was at work, I told everyone that I was fine to go by myself.
I got there and it wasn't busy so Bobbie got me right back in to the ultrasound room. She put the Doppler on my belly and we both could see my baby wasn't doing well at all. Her poor little body had become septic. There was so much fluid around her heart and lungs making it extremely difficult for her heart to pump and grow. Her cystic hygroma was as big as her tiny head.
I asked Bobbie this is the deadly chromosome thing right? She replied I think so, I'm so sorry. I went back to just admiring this beautiful baby. I asked what gender it was. We weren't going to find out, but since I knew that I had to come up with a name a lot sooner. That I better know. It was a girl!
Bobbie had to go and get the doctor so he could talk to me. My doctor was out for the day, so it was a doctor I had never seen before. He had to give me the news, no one ever wants to hear. He came in the room and immediately said I'm so sorry. He gave me a HUG! That was the moment I broke down. He handed me the tissue box. I tried to stay as calm as I could do I could listen to the words that were coming out of his mouth. He explained why she would be able to make it, he asked if I wanted my husband here there with me. Then he asked if I would like to abort, a lot of women do when they know their babies won't make it. He asked if I would do an amniocentesis. I didn't have any answers. So I left.
I went to my car and bawled like I've never cried before. I tried to settle down as much as I could before I called my husband to tell him the horrible news. He knew something wasn't right when my quivering voice said hello. I had to tell him his baby girl wasn't going to make it. I will never forget our conversation.
My mom had called and all I could say to her was its not good news. I was able to drive myself home. As soon as I got there my mom gave me the biggest hug. I told her, I was composed as much as I could. I was home and didn't want to scare the kids. So when I need to cry I would just go to the bathroom.
I handle situations by talking about them. So in my mind I wanted to tell people close to me, family and close friends. That way when/if they asked about the pregnancy they would know not to. So I called a few people and told them, and I texted a few. It was hard to explain why and answer some questions. I did it. My feelings were all over the place. I didn't want to get attached to to her, but at the same time I wanted to enjoy the moments I had with her living inside of me. She was safe!
It is the most painful feeling when they tell you your child isn't going to make it. I'm one that feels like its so hard to lose a child at any stage but I do think it gets harder. Miscarriages suck! And it plays on your emotions, then there was the stage I was in I knew that she was a girl, she was moving inside of me. Then they are born oh my I couldn't even imagine losing a baby that you've held and kissed and been up all night with. That's what I wanted most. I just wanted to be able to be her mom. Change her bum, feed her, dress her. I wanted to be the one who took care of her.
I went through an extremely hard time. Especially when people would tell me, you'll raise her in heaven, or she's in a better place. I was not in the right mind to be able to think those things. I wanted someone to just say I'm sorry this situation sucks! I'm here for you if you want to talk or a hug. The only person that knew what I was feeling was Brandon. He was amazing!
I got there and it wasn't busy so Bobbie got me right back in to the ultrasound room. She put the Doppler on my belly and we both could see my baby wasn't doing well at all. Her poor little body had become septic. There was so much fluid around her heart and lungs making it extremely difficult for her heart to pump and grow. Her cystic hygroma was as big as her tiny head.
I asked Bobbie this is the deadly chromosome thing right? She replied I think so, I'm so sorry. I went back to just admiring this beautiful baby. I asked what gender it was. We weren't going to find out, but since I knew that I had to come up with a name a lot sooner. That I better know. It was a girl!
Bobbie had to go and get the doctor so he could talk to me. My doctor was out for the day, so it was a doctor I had never seen before. He had to give me the news, no one ever wants to hear. He came in the room and immediately said I'm so sorry. He gave me a HUG! That was the moment I broke down. He handed me the tissue box. I tried to stay as calm as I could do I could listen to the words that were coming out of his mouth. He explained why she would be able to make it, he asked if I wanted my husband here there with me. Then he asked if I would like to abort, a lot of women do when they know their babies won't make it. He asked if I would do an amniocentesis. I didn't have any answers. So I left.
I went to my car and bawled like I've never cried before. I tried to settle down as much as I could before I called my husband to tell him the horrible news. He knew something wasn't right when my quivering voice said hello. I had to tell him his baby girl wasn't going to make it. I will never forget our conversation.
My mom had called and all I could say to her was its not good news. I was able to drive myself home. As soon as I got there my mom gave me the biggest hug. I told her, I was composed as much as I could. I was home and didn't want to scare the kids. So when I need to cry I would just go to the bathroom.
I handle situations by talking about them. So in my mind I wanted to tell people close to me, family and close friends. That way when/if they asked about the pregnancy they would know not to. So I called a few people and told them, and I texted a few. It was hard to explain why and answer some questions. I did it. My feelings were all over the place. I didn't want to get attached to to her, but at the same time I wanted to enjoy the moments I had with her living inside of me. She was safe!
It is the most painful feeling when they tell you your child isn't going to make it. I'm one that feels like its so hard to lose a child at any stage but I do think it gets harder. Miscarriages suck! And it plays on your emotions, then there was the stage I was in I knew that she was a girl, she was moving inside of me. Then they are born oh my I couldn't even imagine losing a baby that you've held and kissed and been up all night with. That's what I wanted most. I just wanted to be able to be her mom. Change her bum, feed her, dress her. I wanted to be the one who took care of her.
I went through an extremely hard time. Especially when people would tell me, you'll raise her in heaven, or she's in a better place. I was not in the right mind to be able to think those things. I wanted someone to just say I'm sorry this situation sucks! I'm here for you if you want to talk or a hug. The only person that knew what I was feeling was Brandon. He was amazing!
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Halle's 8 months!
I still can't believe she is over half of a year old! She is now 8 pounds 3 ounces. She loves her mommy( I love it)! It's totally my fault she is so spoiled. She rolls all over the place, can grab toys and put them in her mouth. She just barely started grabbing her toes. She is still having a hard time with eating, she is improving! She has an aversion to purée foods. So we are working on it.
We finally blessed Halle! It was the most beautiful blessing I've heard. Brandon did an amazing job. She did good too, she was starving so I was do nervous. Not a peep! It was good to have family around to enjoy
I was to my breaking point the beginning of the month, of per exhaustion. She still has been waking up every 2-3 hours. Definitely my worst sleeper by far! So we decided to put her in her own room. Let me tell you it has been amazing the last few nights. Last night she only woke up at 4:00!!! Amazing I'm a whole new person. Oh and Brandon got up with her then. I had a full nights sleep!
The next few post are going to be the it happened a year ago. I'm going to relive my feelings. My hardest days I had to go through, to be able to feel so incredibly grateful to have Halle in our lives. I know with out a doubt that all of the Prayers that were said on her behalf helped us through everything. I'm going to go into detail everything that happened. It's going to be so surreal for me.
A few days ago on August 5th I announced I was pregnant to extended family and friends. What's funny is my sister Amanda is pregnant and she announced she is pregnant on that same day this year. She is due right around the same time Halle was due. Anyways at this time I was bleeding a little bit. I had a Subchorionic hemorrhage. I've had one with all of my pregnancies so not a big deal for me. Still they were keeping a very close eye on me. Since she already had a cystic hygroma, a big indicator of down syndrome. I had come to terms with the diagnosis, and was looking forward to our lives and our new baby on the way.
We finally blessed Halle! It was the most beautiful blessing I've heard. Brandon did an amazing job. She did good too, she was starving so I was do nervous. Not a peep! It was good to have family around to enjoy
I was to my breaking point the beginning of the month, of per exhaustion. She still has been waking up every 2-3 hours. Definitely my worst sleeper by far! So we decided to put her in her own room. Let me tell you it has been amazing the last few nights. Last night she only woke up at 4:00!!! Amazing I'm a whole new person. Oh and Brandon got up with her then. I had a full nights sleep!
The next few post are going to be the it happened a year ago. I'm going to relive my feelings. My hardest days I had to go through, to be able to feel so incredibly grateful to have Halle in our lives. I know with out a doubt that all of the Prayers that were said on her behalf helped us through everything. I'm going to go into detail everything that happened. It's going to be so surreal for me.
A few days ago on August 5th I announced I was pregnant to extended family and friends. What's funny is my sister Amanda is pregnant and she announced she is pregnant on that same day this year. She is due right around the same time Halle was due. Anyways at this time I was bleeding a little bit. I had a Subchorionic hemorrhage. I've had one with all of my pregnancies so not a big deal for me. Still they were keeping a very close eye on me. Since she already had a cystic hygroma, a big indicator of down syndrome. I had come to terms with the diagnosis, and was looking forward to our lives and our new baby on the way.
Saturday, June 30, 2012
7 months!
I can't believe this little girl is getting so old! Since she most likely my last I'm trying to savor up every moment with her. I want time to hold still for at least a few months.
Halle now rolls over both ways! I can't believe her tiny body can do that. She smiles a lot, I've got her to laugh a couple of times, and she loves to talk. We are working on tummy time more, she just rolls over so this one is hard. She is sleeping so much better, knock on wood. She is the happiest in the mornings. She loves to play with her Gymboree thing, and hair she loves hair, I give her a Barbie and she goes crazy. She absolutely loves her brother Mason and she tries and gets anything in her sight, including my phone right this second.
She is so fun, even though she is the hardest baby I've had. I guess she deserves to be a bit spoiled for everything she went through to get here. We are working very hard on getting her to sleep more so I don't have to be a zombie everyday. It's going pretty well too. So I'm very excited about that!
I just can't believe this year is going so fast! I'd like to say Halle is my last, after everything I have to go through. It's so incredibly hard on my body, and on Brandon having to pick up all of the pieces. I really want to adopt, I think it will be a great way to show Halle that it can be a wonderful experience. Since she's unable to have children. I still have a lot of time to think of what I want to do. Time just goes to fast not to think of what life holds for us in the future.
We have really big news, but I'm not allowed to share yet. I'm excited about it, and I think it well all work out for our family.
Halle now rolls over both ways! I can't believe her tiny body can do that. She smiles a lot, I've got her to laugh a couple of times, and she loves to talk. We are working on tummy time more, she just rolls over so this one is hard. She is sleeping so much better, knock on wood. She is the happiest in the mornings. She loves to play with her Gymboree thing, and hair she loves hair, I give her a Barbie and she goes crazy. She absolutely loves her brother Mason and she tries and gets anything in her sight, including my phone right this second.
She is so fun, even though she is the hardest baby I've had. I guess she deserves to be a bit spoiled for everything she went through to get here. We are working very hard on getting her to sleep more so I don't have to be a zombie everyday. It's going pretty well too. So I'm very excited about that!
I just can't believe this year is going so fast! I'd like to say Halle is my last, after everything I have to go through. It's so incredibly hard on my body, and on Brandon having to pick up all of the pieces. I really want to adopt, I think it will be a great way to show Halle that it can be a wonderful experience. Since she's unable to have children. I still have a lot of time to think of what I want to do. Time just goes to fast not to think of what life holds for us in the future.
We have really big news, but I'm not allowed to share yet. I'm excited about it, and I think it well all work out for our family.
Friday, June 1, 2012
Halle 6 months.
I can't believe it's been 6 months since I delivered this beautiful little girl. I don't think I will ever forget that day, the feelings I was having. We were unsure if she would even be able to survive the labor. She surprised me and came out crying. I had been preparing myself that she wouldn't make it to protect my heart.
She is amazing I still look at her in awe! I get teary eyed a lot still, I cant believe she's here with me. All of my dreams of what I wanted to do with her are coming true! It's an amazing feeling. On the other side of that feeling, she is the whiniest baby ever! I think Heavenly Father knew I need to be so grateful for her to be able to live with us, just so I could deal with how fussy she is! The last few days have been the hardest, with no sleep and her just fussing all day. Took her to the doctor and she's not sick. I'm losing it over here! The sad thing is all she has to do is smile at me, and it gets me through the next few hours.
Well she is now 7 lbs 5 ounces and is 21 inches. She just looks huge to me now, but I still get stopped constantly asking how old my "newborn" is. She rolls from her belly to her back, she has been reaching for toys. I think her eyes are doing fabulous, but we go in again to check her eyes in June. She smiles at everything. She only laughs in her sleep. She has lost her hair. I was really hoping she would keep some. We have to in for our first Endocrinologist appointment in June also, I'm curious as to when we will have to start her growth hormones.. She is still extremely spoiled! She sleeps okay, she has 5 really good nights only waking up once then the other nights I swear she's up every hour.
Mason and Adalyn are still very good with her. Mason had his kinder garden checkup it is blowing my mind that he will be old enough to go to school. Adalyn will be attending preschool they are just getting to old!
Mason is such a good kid most of the time, he has entered the whiney stag. It is driving me crazy, I do know it will end. He is very excited for school. He got his shots the other day and was so brave only cried for a minute. Way different from the last time. I had to carry him out still screaming and kicking his legs the worst ever!! He is learning stuff everyday, he is really good with numbers and pretty good with his letters. We do have to work on the letters this summer, like the sounds he gets confused. He absolutely loves transformers, power rangers, oh and swimming.
Adalyn is still so stubborn. She is the funniest girl I know. She tests her boundaries every hour it seems. She can be sweet and just wraps her arms around my legs and tells me she loves me out of nowhere. It's my favorite.
She is amazing I still look at her in awe! I get teary eyed a lot still, I cant believe she's here with me. All of my dreams of what I wanted to do with her are coming true! It's an amazing feeling. On the other side of that feeling, she is the whiniest baby ever! I think Heavenly Father knew I need to be so grateful for her to be able to live with us, just so I could deal with how fussy she is! The last few days have been the hardest, with no sleep and her just fussing all day. Took her to the doctor and she's not sick. I'm losing it over here! The sad thing is all she has to do is smile at me, and it gets me through the next few hours.
Well she is now 7 lbs 5 ounces and is 21 inches. She just looks huge to me now, but I still get stopped constantly asking how old my "newborn" is. She rolls from her belly to her back, she has been reaching for toys. I think her eyes are doing fabulous, but we go in again to check her eyes in June. She smiles at everything. She only laughs in her sleep. She has lost her hair. I was really hoping she would keep some. We have to in for our first Endocrinologist appointment in June also, I'm curious as to when we will have to start her growth hormones.. She is still extremely spoiled! She sleeps okay, she has 5 really good nights only waking up once then the other nights I swear she's up every hour.
Mason and Adalyn are still very good with her. Mason had his kinder garden checkup it is blowing my mind that he will be old enough to go to school. Adalyn will be attending preschool they are just getting to old!
Mason is such a good kid most of the time, he has entered the whiney stag. It is driving me crazy, I do know it will end. He is very excited for school. He got his shots the other day and was so brave only cried for a minute. Way different from the last time. I had to carry him out still screaming and kicking his legs the worst ever!! He is learning stuff everyday, he is really good with numbers and pretty good with his letters. We do have to work on the letters this summer, like the sounds he gets confused. He absolutely loves transformers, power rangers, oh and swimming.
Adalyn is still so stubborn. She is the funniest girl I know. She tests her boundaries every hour it seems. She can be sweet and just wraps her arms around my legs and tells me she loves me out of nowhere. It's my favorite.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)