Day 15

Today Halle was doing well. They were going to start ween her off of the ventilator. She did even need a lot if morphine she was doing great. My mom and Brandon had to go back home. It was a lot harder to say goodbye this time. I think it's because I know now it sucks to be alone!
One good thing happened after they left. The doctor even said I might could hold her tomorrow! I let my guard down! If you have ever been in the NICU I think you all know what I mean, don't ever let your guard down! As soon as I even allowed myself to think she really is on the right road to recovery her left lung got air bubbles outside of her lung. They were watching closely and she had to lay on the left side. That's where her stitches are! I can't even imagine how uncomfortable she is. She is fighting so hard, I really don't know how much longer her little body can do this. I so wish I could magically take her place.
As the day went on her carbon dioxide got worse they kept messing with her vent settings. Around 5:30 they were getting another blood gas, and the girl didn't get enough blood to run the test, but the problem was the nurse suctioned her out and they have to wait at least 20 min after you do that to run the test again. After that her oxygen went way down, so we had to bump the oxygen up. So I waited. Finally we got to do the test again, not good news her CO is high again. Her left lung had collapsed.
That's when I had, had enough I had to get out of there. I was about to loose my mind, she was doing so good. Now this. I was supposed to be able to hold her tomorrow. Now when is that going to happen? I just want to be home, holding my kids. I want to just scream!
I need to get ready for Christmas, but I don't want to leave Halle. I broke down, I'm alone! I didn't want to tell Brandon the way I was feeling, he's already under enough stress at it is. So I sat in my car and sobbed. I'll I really want is to hold her, Go home play with my kids put them to bed, cuddle them. I really hope they'll forgive me for being away this long.
Today was not a good day for either of us, but at least we have a new day tomorrow!