Day 17

Today started out great.
She was getting 4cc of milk every 6 hours and was handling that like a champ! I was so excited as you can see I'm quite nervous about feedings after what happened the last time. She is back down to 30% oxygen and is doing good.
Her lung is looking so good they might even extubate her tonight or tomorrow. I am so looking forward to hold this little girl again, it's been a very long 2 weeks!
Since this is a teaching hospital, they do a crap load of studies. We have been in a lot of them. I really hope they can get stuff out of them, so we can figure out how to treat some of the stuff that comes up. Better yet could you imagine if they figured out why the heck my water likes to break at 29 weeks! Ahh that would be amazing, oh how I wish I could just be a boring pregnant patient and make it to full term and actually leave the hospital and take the baby home with me!
I'm living in a fantasy world today, as she is doing so well. I imagine her being transferred to Dixie before Christmas so I can sort of enjoy the holiday. Her coming home and not being stuck in this box, so I can hold her and her big brother and sister can hold and give her kisses. I love this fantasy world. As I'm daydreaming they decided that she was ready to be extubated.
I stayed in the room, the doctors were so positive everything looked great. Her lung was fully expanded they gave her some steroids, to help reduce inflammation when pulling out the breathing tube. They got all ready to pull it out. By this time I was very excited, this means I'm so much closer to holding her. My excitement left as soon as they pulled the tube out. She was already pissed they were pulling the tape off. So when they pulled the tube the c-pap nose prongs weren't sealed right. She started gasping and flaying her arms around, kicking her legs. (Imagine of someone drowning.) that's what I was watching, her diaphragm would sink way down. It was the scariest thing we tried to calm her, I was able to put my hands in and hold her hand. I wanted to yell just put the tube back in, but I so wanted her to be able to do this. I wanted to leave the room, I didn't want to sit there and watch her struggle the way she was, but I was frozen I couldn't move I just stared at her little body. They had to bag her, they tried a couple of things nothing was working. They kicked me out because it was shift change.
I stood outside the door, and checked on her a few min later they were doing a blood gas and had her on the c-pap. I went downstairs to grab a sandwich. When I returned she was re-intubated, my heart sunk everything came rushing to me. I had to leave. She was "stable".
THE START OF A PITY PARTY
(you can skip)
Again I left sobbing, I don't want to be here anymore it's Christmas time all I want is to be with my family. It's not fair that I can't go full term. I want to be able to take my baby home from the hospital when I go home! I feel like we are going no where, she's stuck now. I know this is "normal" up here, but she wasn't on oxygen until we got here. What did they do? She can't breathe now. Did she forget? My other two preemies were dream preemies. I mean they had there problems but nothing like this. I am very grateful that she's here, don't want anyone to think I'm not. I am very blessed! It's just so incredibly hard being away from my family dealing with all of this stress, seeing what she's going through is killing me! I usually do the 12 days of Christmas and I'm not there to enjoy the look on there faces when they can open there first present. Today was a very emotional day. I am so glad tomorrow is a new day, Halle and I can make it through I do know that.
Hard days just suck!